Comments on: Another Brick in the Wall … http://de-conversion.com/2007/10/19/another-brick-in-the-wall/ Resources for skeptical, de-converting, or former Christians...... Sat, 11 Feb 2012 22:35:49 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.com/ By: V http://de-conversion.com/2007/10/19/another-brick-in-the-wall/#comment-8999 Sun, 21 Oct 2007 15:52:47 +0000 http://de-conversion.com/2007/10/19/another-brick-in-the-wall/#comment-8999 Thank goodness for sites like this. Lostgirlfound directed me to this site…I know it’s been good for both of us. We’ve also had each other and a couple other friends to question with at least….but I know it is especially difficult when your spouse isn’t along side your like you would like. For Paul and I it has been like we are in the same book, but on different pages sometimes. I might be ahead four or five and just stay there for a bit and then he catches up and we are on the exact same page for a while. It has been harder for him I think. Especially because he was employed by the structure and lived in that for soooo long. For me it was easier, because I never settled in one structure or religion for that matter. My family had their set way of believing when I was growing up, but we went from lutheran to baptist to charismatic/pentecostal to non-denominational (whatever that is). I grew up questioning a lot!…only it wasn’t alright to do that. I never really liked church. Paul is a very passionate, people person. I don’t want to speak for him as absolute, but I would say that is why it is much harder for him…because he did enjoy it and believed he could make a difference. It is much easier for me to walk away than him. And that can be a struggle sometimes. But what Karen posted #14, really hit me. Wow. I am really thankful for where Paul and I are. I don’t want to give the picture that it has been smooth sailing…it has been very very rough and I have wondered if our marriage can take all this change…but we are together….because like RoseMary said on HelsSailing’s post…we love each other. We didn’t get married for any other reason….we were just really young and stupid……….just kidding :-)

]]> By: lostgirlfound http://de-conversion.com/2007/10/19/another-brick-in-the-wall/#comment-8984 Sat, 20 Oct 2007 23:16:44 +0000 http://de-conversion.com/2007/10/19/another-brick-in-the-wall/#comment-8984 Karen: You’re right … my husband is an amazing person! He’s even volunteered to give up his profession, but I just can’t have him do that. Why, when I’m asking for acceptance for “who I am” would I ask him to leave that part of himself behind?

I think he struggles a lot more than he lets on, Brad. But our conversations are becoming less volatile as time goes on. I mean, he’s not easily angered, but this is something that questions his core of being, you know? He was raised in the church, his parents, grandparents, and great grandparents were a part of this denomination! And, he’s “letting go” of things a little at a time … I’m not “required” to go to the structure every Sunday (although I still go often because I like some of the people there). He knows about some “habits” that are frowned upon by the religious people he works with, and has simply asked me not to partake in his presense (a little weird, I know, but …)

Many of my friends are “worried” about us, but you know what? You don’t invest twenty-plus years into a relationship that produces four amazing, beautiful children and easily walk away from the person who walked the path with you. And, if he ever decides to walk away … I’ll cross that bridge if it comes my way, you know?

Leo … I haven’t talked about these things with my kids, either.(refering to your discussion on the d-c forum) Your wife sounds very, very wise! While I don’t hide my journey from them, I also don’t go out of my way to involve them in my search. We’re very honest at my house … but why given them more than they need right now?

So, like Karen, I’d be interested in how you all deal with the …conflict? It’s good at my house right now … but that changes like the weather in Michigan!

]]> By: The de-Convert http://de-conversion.com/2007/10/19/another-brick-in-the-wall/#comment-8980 Sat, 20 Oct 2007 20:15:58 +0000 http://de-conversion.com/2007/10/19/another-brick-in-the-wall/#comment-8980 Paul, V., etc.

Please also check out our de-conversion.org site. We’re compiling de-conversion stories: http://de-conversion.org/viewpage.php?page_id=5 and also have a forum for more of a community feel.

d-C

]]> By: karen http://de-conversion.com/2007/10/19/another-brick-in-the-wall/#comment-8976 Sat, 20 Oct 2007 18:57:49 +0000 http://de-conversion.com/2007/10/19/another-brick-in-the-wall/#comment-8976 Deconversion is such an intensely personal, usually highly intellectual process. In what I’ve seen over the past 5-6 years, it’s less likely to be a shared experience, so most of us go it alone while our spouses (if they are religious) look on in a combination of shock, horror, and sometimes anger.

People who calmly and peacefully accept the deconversion of their spouse are usually either extraordinary people in the first place, or already nonbelievers or non-traditional believers themselves.

V. and Paul are amongst the lucky few, I’m afraid. There are more than a few divorces that result (see Dan Barker from the Freedom from Religion Foundation), and other couples who seem to make peace with their differences in the long run. I’m thinking, but I don’t recall anyone deconverting and then having their spouse also leave the fold sometime later. I’d like to hear about that if anyone knows of an instance where that happened.

]]> By: LeoPardus http://de-conversion.com/2007/10/19/another-brick-in-the-wall/#comment-8972 Sat, 20 Oct 2007 16:20:47 +0000 http://de-conversion.com/2007/10/19/another-brick-in-the-wall/#comment-8972 lostgirl:
It seems to be pretty common to take the path away from faith without one’s spouse. Just based on what I’ve seen in various de-conversion fora and blogs, it even seems the norm. But that’s only my impression.
Some others around here have left spouses behind in the faith. HIS, and Karen are two others I recall with that situation.
Of course your husband is kind of trapped. If he gave up the faith, or even expressed doubts or questions, he’d be in the unemployment line.

]]> By: Brad http://de-conversion.com/2007/10/19/another-brick-in-the-wall/#comment-8971 Sat, 20 Oct 2007 15:58:19 +0000 http://de-conversion.com/2007/10/19/another-brick-in-the-wall/#comment-8971 lostgirlfound,

“People who never question their faith scare me a little, because I wonder how you can have a relationship with God with perfect security. Doubt must be present for faith to exist.”
-Stephen Burns

A modernity-influenced Christianity would have us beileve that truth is only true if we do not doubt. Doubt is necessary (to some degree) for faith. What has your husband said about your struggles? How has he reacted to your questions?

]]> By: lostgirlfound http://de-conversion.com/2007/10/19/another-brick-in-the-wall/#comment-8968 Sat, 20 Oct 2007 14:48:01 +0000 http://de-conversion.com/2007/10/19/another-brick-in-the-wall/#comment-8968 Leo and Brad:

I’m glad you responded to V, because it lets me know I’m not the only one walking this path without my spouse (who, BTW, is a pastor in an evangelical church). So, it’s normal to walk the path alone? Wow, that gives me hope!

]]> By: The de-Convert http://de-conversion.com/2007/10/19/another-brick-in-the-wall/#comment-8967 Sat, 20 Oct 2007 13:28:05 +0000 http://de-conversion.com/2007/10/19/another-brick-in-the-wall/#comment-8967 Here’s a previous post I did on the subject of spiritual abuse:

http://de-conversion.com/2007/06/21/spiritual-abuse/

Also, here’s a site on the subject:

http://safechurch.com/resources/

Read the article “Deeds…” and the book review on “The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse”

]]> By: Brad http://de-conversion.com/2007/10/19/another-brick-in-the-wall/#comment-8966 Sat, 20 Oct 2007 12:50:07 +0000 http://de-conversion.com/2007/10/19/another-brick-in-the-wall/#comment-8966 Wow indeed.

V:

I made a couple comments of my own, and while I do not come from quite the same perspective as most of the folks here on d-C (being a Christian), we are very much united in our stance against abusive fundamentalism.

I cannot even begin to express how sad it is to hear/read Christians who are not accepting or loving of people who are just trying to find their own way. We don’t have it together half as much as we would sometimes like to communicate, yet we err on the arrogant side of confidence (which is fine if expressed with love and humility). I hope and pray that more churches will remove their heads from their asses and realize that there are people hurting because of the way we’ve acted, and just need some love and understanding.

May the Lord bless you on your journey together! And while I pray that you would find a rekindled faith in Him, I will pray that it is done WELL outside of the abusive experiences that have been so clearly illustrated on your husband’s blog!!!

-Brad

]]> By: LeoPardus http://de-conversion.com/2007/10/19/another-brick-in-the-wall/#comment-8959 Sat, 20 Oct 2007 04:41:52 +0000 http://de-conversion.com/2007/10/19/another-brick-in-the-wall/#comment-8959 V:

Wow. The two of you are together on this. How good for you. Congratulations.

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