Humor break anyone?

November 15, 2007 at 4:20 pm 32 comments

Group laughingThere are always some great discussions going on here and I love them. But just for fun, how about a short break purely for laughs? Y’all contribute your favorites. Make the theme of your contributions religious; Christian, atheist, New Age, whatever, just religious.

Here’s my contribution:

How To Get Rid of Door-To-Door Missionaries

  • A chalk outline of a human body on the sidewalk, and a few copies of The Watchtower scattered around.
  • My mother (a second-generation atheist) used to say (in a very sweet voice): “I’m sorry, I don’t give a damn about Jesus.” Worked every time. The missionaries just backed off the porch in slack-jawed, bug-eyed disbelief.
  • A friend claims that when missionaries knock on her door, her first response is to ask for their address. When they ask why she wants to know, she says it is so she can visit them to push her beliefs. So far, none of them have given their address. It also marks the end of the interview. SLAM!
  • Missionary at the door asks, “Can I talk to you about God?” Response, “Sure, what would you like to know?”
  • Missionary ladies come to the door. One of them has small child in tow. Interrupts mom’s dinner.

Mom: Thank you, but I already have a religion.
Missionary: May I ask what it is?
Mom: I’d really rather not say. {Pregnant pause} I’m not sure if it’s legal in this country.

  • Early one Saturday morning, my friend answered the door with an open beer bottle in each hand. He was still in a night robe and his hair was as yet uncombed. When the missionary put out his hand to shake, my friend looked at the hand and said, “This early in the morning I don’t like to set a beer down.”

- LeoPardus

Entry filed under: LeoPardus. Tags: , .

I want to go back, I want the blue pill ! Worthy of Damnation – A Wailing and Gnashing of Teeth

32 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Mike  |  November 15, 2007 at 5:31 pm

    You could just tell them you are in seminary. Trust me, they look just as awkward as they try to gracefully move on to the next house.

  • 2. ollie  |  November 15, 2007 at 5:43 pm

    This reminds me of this:

    BTW, if I am in a good mood, I try to counter convert them to atheism. My first attempt didn’t work. :)

  • 3. HeIsSailing  |  November 15, 2007 at 5:48 pm

    Mike:

    You could just tell them you are in seminary. Trust me, they look just as awkward as they try to gracefully move on to the next house.

    That’s the same reaction I got when I told an old blind date I was an astrophysicist.

  • 4. Quester  |  November 15, 2007 at 6:07 pm

    An old joke, wandering the web, which strikes close to home for me:

    How would Christians deal with ‘The cat sat on the mat’ if it appeared in the Bible?

    The Liberal theologians would point out that such a passage did not of course mean that the cat literally sat on the mat. Also ‘cat’ and ‘mat’ had different meanings in those days from today, and anyway, the text should be interpreted according to the customs and practices of the period.

    This would lead to an immediate backlash from the Evangelicals. They would make an essential condition of faith that a real, physical, living cat, being a domestic pet of the Felix Domesticus species, and having a whiskered head and furry body, four legs and a tail, did physically place its whole body on a floor covering, designed for that purpose, and which is on the floor, but not of the floor. The expression ‘on the floor, but not of the floor’ would be explained in a leaflet.

    Meanwhile, the Catholics would have developed the Festival of the Sedentation of the Blessed Cat. This would teach that the cat was white and majestically reclined on a mat of gold thread before its assumption to the Great Cat Basket of heaven. This is commemorated by the singing of the MagnifiCat, lighting three candles, and ringing a bell five times. This would cause a schism with the Orthodox Church which believes that tradition requires Holy Cats Day (as it is colloquially known), to be marked by lighting six candles, and ringing the bell four times. This would be partly resolved by the Cuckoo Land Declaration, recognising the traditional validity of each.

    The charismatics would welcome the chance for the full experience of the feline presence. This to be shown by resting, on all four limbs, on the floor and meowing in the feline spirit. This would, naturally, only be possible following the singing, for some 30 minutes, of inspired songs such as ‘O cat, cat, cat, come to our mat, mat, mat’, ‘Feline we enthrone you, we proclaim you as cat’ and ‘When you scratch us, we know that you’re here’. The house church elements might even agree a common doctrine, after four pauses, in a statement of multiple clauses.

    Eventually, in the Church of England. the House of Bishops would issue a statement on the Doctrine of the Feline Sedentation. It would explain that, traditionally, the text describes a domestic feline quadruped superjacent to an unattached covering on a fundamental surface For determining its salvific and eschatological significations, we follow the heuristic analytical principles adopted in dealing with the Canine Fenestration Question (How much is that doggie in the window?) and the Affirmative Musaceous Paradox (Yes, we have no bananas). And so on for 210 pages The General Synod would then commend this report as helpful resource material for clergy to explain to the man in the pew the difficult doctrine of ‘the cat sat on the mat’.

  • 5. Brad  |  November 15, 2007 at 7:34 pm

    lol freaking hilarious… I like Mike’s additional tactic. :-)

    I do know another student who pulled out his greek new testament to talk to some Jehovah’s Witnesses. Surprisingly enough, they stayed for like 45 minutes to debate/argue with him…

    Sorry, I don’t have any good jokes, but there is that Dane Cook video on our blog… ;-)

    http://seminarianblog.com/2007/10/29/dane-cook-on-atheism/

  • 6. Ken Perrott  |  November 15, 2007 at 9:56 pm

    My mother (who had problems) used to ask if cats go to heaven – I don’t know that they left quickly but they were confused. In my radical youth I used to keep a copy of the Communist Manifesto to offer them and discuss with them.

  • 7. HeIsSailing  |  November 15, 2007 at 10:57 pm

    The de-Convert, I think this is your golden opportunity to post that old ‘Holy Laughter’ video again.

  • 8. HeIsSailing  |  November 15, 2007 at 11:13 pm

    This is not really a religious joke, but this is a joke that I heard Chuck Missler tell to our Sunday morning congregation some 7 or 8 years ago. Yes, THAT Chuck Missler, MR Peanut Butter evolution himself.

    I don’t remember why Chuck told this joke, but he started off telling us about Lord Nelson, admiral of the Royal British Navy.

    Lord Nelson was in his quarters below deck when a young ensign burst in! “Lord Nelson, we spied a Spanish frigate off the starboard bow!!”

    “Quick ensign,” said Lord Nelson, preparing for battle, “fetch my red coat!”

    Later that week, the ensign again burst into Lord Nelson’s chambers! “Lord Nelson, we spied a two Spanish frigates off the port bow!!”

    “Quick ensign,” said Lord Nelson, preparing for battle, “fetch my red coat!”

    After an easy victory over the Spanish frigates, the ensign asked Lord Nelson about the red coat that he wore for battle. “Oh, the reasoning for the red coat is simple,” said the Admiral, “if I were to get wounded, the red coat will hide my blood, and my troops morale will not waver during combat.”

    “A very wise admiral,” thought the ensign.

    Later that week, the ensign again burst into Lord Nelson’s chambers! “Lord Nelson, we spied the ENTIRE SPANISH ARMADA off the starboard bow!!”

    “Quick ensign,” yelled Lord Nelson, preparing for battle, “fetch my dark brown trousers!!!”

    When Missler told this joke, the church sanctuary *erupted* with laughter. That laughter must have lasted 2 or 3 minutes, I mean I have rarely ever heard such laughter from that many people. Granted, he delivered the joke very well, but I think the reason it was so funny was because nobody was used to hearing this type of humor in the church. It was almost like an emotional release from our typically sober messages. I was nearly on the floor with tears. Truly a really funny memory.

  • 9. Jon F  |  November 15, 2007 at 11:27 pm

    I heard this one years ago …

    Why wasn’t Jesus born in America?

    Because God couldn’t find three wise men or a virgin.

  • 10. The de-Convert  |  November 16, 2007 at 12:24 am

    HIS,

    The de-Convert, I think this is your golden opportunity to post that old ‘Holy Laughter’ video again.

    Here it is: http://de-conversion.com/2007/04/27/who-says-church-cant-be-fun/

    Paul

  • 11. The de-Convert  |  November 16, 2007 at 12:25 am

    A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

    He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

    So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!

    In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

    The head monk, says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”

    He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years.

    Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

    So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.

    He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, “We missed the ‘R’! We missed the ‘R’!”

    His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, “What’s wrong, father?”

    With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, “The word was…

    CELEBRATE!!!”

  • 12. ESVA  |  November 16, 2007 at 2:26 am

    One Saturday evening, a preacher said to his wife, “Honey, I’ve struggled all week to figure out what I should preach about tomorrow. I’ve finally decided that the topic of tomorrow’s sermon will be sailing.” She wasn’t sure that was the best idea he’d ever had, but, knowing how much he had struggled, she kept her doubts to herself.

    On Sunday morning, the preacher’s wife went down to the nursery with the little children before the service began. At the beginning of the service, the preacher looked into the congregation and saw teenagers everywhere, more teens than he had seen in weeks. On the spur of the moment, he decided to change his sermon topic and preach about sex.

    After the service, one of the mothers who went down to the nursery to pick up her children congratulated the pastor’s wife on his fine sermon. She said, “Your husband was truly inspired today. He really knew what he was talking about.”

    The pastor’s wife looked bewildered and finally stammered, “That’s surprising. He’s only done it twice and both times he fell off.”

  • 13. athinkingman  |  November 16, 2007 at 3:15 am

    Question: How many Strict Baptists does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Answer: What do you mean, CHANGE?

  • 14. LeoPardus  |  November 16, 2007 at 3:57 pm

    Addendum to the “cat sat on the mat”:

    Reformed exegesis would show that “sat” is in the aorist tense, thus indicating that the cat remains on the mat. In fact the cat sat for all eternity on the mat, and cannot be unseated. This leads clearly to the inescapable doctrine of “once sat, always sat”.

  • 15. C. Bagley  |  November 16, 2007 at 5:35 pm

    Take an empty toilet paper roll, wrap a watchtower around it with a note that reads “Help me complete my roll”. Hang this near your front door and you’ll never see them again.

  • 16. Lorena  |  November 16, 2007 at 5:40 pm

    Thank you for the laughs!

  • 17. Encounters of the Missionary Kind « Tipped Ear Clan  |  November 16, 2007 at 9:43 pm

    [...] some humourous suggestions on dealing with door-to-door missionaries, which would have been helpful to know when I was that 5-year-old kid. But if you’d like some [...]

  • [...] Read Humor break – How To Get Rid of Door-To-Door Missionaries [...]

  • 19. Mike  |  November 17, 2007 at 7:38 pm

    Addendum to the “cat sat on the mat”:

    Higher Critical Thought would show that the word “mat” was a later addition by monks in the 9th Century, because while the word “mat” was in use during the 1st Century, it didnt fall into popular nomenclature until later. Thus, since the nature of what the cat sat on can never be determined, we are left in severe doubt as to the knowable nature of the cat at all.

    Mormon interpretation would have revealed to the world that this particular cat was a model for the divine cat we can all become. By stacking several mats and sitting on them, we can ensure for ourselves an eternity of mats to sit on, as long as we never drink milk and have lots and lots of kittens.

    The Christian Scientists would claim that the cat has already come back to sit on their mat. Therefore there is no need to receive any shots for worms, fleas, etc.

    The Amish would say that since that original mat was made on a loom, there would never be any other way to make future mats for sitting. Any cats who sat on a mat using any other method would be of the world and therefore must be excluded from the community of true mat sitters.

    (Note: If my position in this whole scheme of things had not already been soundly and fairly made fun of, I would be making fun of myself here)

  • 20. kramii  |  November 21, 2007 at 9:04 am

    Addendum to the “cat sat on the mat”:

    And the Atheist would insist that there is no evidence of the cat, the mat, not – indeed – any sitting. The only valid conclusion is that there was no mat, cat nor – indeed – did any sitting actually take place. The Atheist goes on to postulate the Doctrine of the Sitting Spaghetti Feline, who sits for all eternity on a Hessian Teapot that orbits the Sun.

  • 21. Jon F  |  November 21, 2007 at 3:40 pm

    Back in 1988 I did a 6 month DTS (Discipleship Training School) with Youth With A Mission. One weekend everyone else was out and about and I found myself all alone in my bedroom, and, being a red-blooded male all of 21 years old, the thought of masturbation popped up. So I steeled myself for the battle, bound the impure thoughts in the name of Jesus, declared myself pure, blah, blah but alas the temptation just seemed to bite in all the harder. In most of the rooms, bible verses had hung up on the walls, but I noticed that the one in my room had fallen off and slipped down behind the radiator heater. So, I said to God that, although I was weak, I would read this verse, whatever it said, and cling onto it. The verse read “Behold, I am coming soon”.

  • 22. the chaplain  |  November 21, 2007 at 4:20 pm

    LOL! I dare say some people would have interpreted that verse as a green light.

  • 23. LeoPardus  |  November 22, 2007 at 12:46 am

    LOL indeed Jon. Reminds of this one:

    A pastor knocked on a parishioner’s door but got no answer. He left a note on the door that said, “Behold. I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears and invites me in, I will sup with him and he with me.” Rev. 3:20

    Next Sunday there was a note on the pulpit. It said, “I heard your voice in the garden but I was naked so I hid myself.” Gen. 3:10.

  • 24. LeoPardus  |  May 28, 2009 at 4:21 pm

    Found this joke around the net and had to put it in this old thread. Anybody else got any new ones? Or old ones for that matter?

    —————————————
    An atheist walks into a bar and finds a priest, a rabbi, and an imam in boisterous discussion at a table in the back. Ignoring them, he orders fish and chips with a pint of beer and sits down, far away from the raucous theological discussion. Or so he hoped.
    After a few moments, the priest approaches his table. “Pardon me, sir,” says the priest, “but you look a little lonely by yourself. Would you like to join us in the back?”
    “No thanks, mate,” says the atheist. “I’m not into all that god stuff.”
    “But God is the most important thing in the universe!” replied the priest. “How can you be disinterested in the Almighty?”
    The atheist banged his fist on the table rudely, clattering his pint and his fish and chips. “I’m just trying to have a bite here. Just leave me alone, and let me eat.”
    The priest scoffs off back to his table, and the atheist is left alone for a while.
    After a few more minutes, the rabbi approaches the atheist’s table. “Surely you don’t mean what you said. God shouldn’t be a burden, or an annoyance. Having and keeping the divine should be a joy in your life.”
    The atheist stands up, and turns to the rabbi. “This is why religion is losing members,” he said, and he banged his fist on the table again and again. His beer wobbled. “It’s because you won’t stop bothering people when they’re just trying to have a meal!”
    By this time, the imam had rushed up to the atheist’s table. “Sir, please, calm down, please!” he cried.
    The atheist turned on him. “And what do you want?” he yelled as he slammed his fist down on the table one more time.
    Suddenly there was a crash. Behind him, his fish and his beer crashed onto the floor and the plate and glass shattered into a hundred pieces.
    Amid the stunned silence of the pub, the imam softly spoke up. “Sir, I was just trying to save your sole!”

  • 25. Quester  |  May 28, 2009 at 5:05 pm

    Found engraved on a headstone in a fictional cemetery:

    Here lies atheist
    Jonathon Snow;
    All dressed up,
    and no place to go.

  • 26. Quester  |  May 29, 2009 at 4:24 am

    Anyone read: http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/oh_no_its_making_well_reasoned?utm_source=b-section ?

    Some parts may sound familiar. It starts off, “I…I think it’s finally over. Our reactionary emotional response seems to have stopped it dead in its tracks. If I’m right, all we have to do now is smugly reiterate our half-formed thesis and—oh, no! For the love of God, no! It’s thoughtfully mulling things over!

    Run! Run! It’s making reasonable, fact-based arguments!

    Quickly! Hide behind self-righteousness! The ad hominem rejoinders—ready the ad hominem rejoinders! Watch out! Dodge the issue at hand! Question its character and keep moving haphazardly from one flawed point to the next!”

  • 27. Joe  |  May 29, 2009 at 7:34 pm

    An Irish Catholic was pulling into a crowded parking lot and said “Dear Lord, if ye can, please open up a parking spot for me! I promise never to take a drink agin, and to stop all of me phimanderin’ ways! All give it all up Lord if ye can just do that one wee thing for me! Please Lord, just parking space this one time Lord!”

    Suddenly, the Catholic sees an open parking space up ahead. Taking a deep breath he says “Never mind Lord, I found one”.

  • 28. LeoPardus  |  May 30, 2009 at 8:50 pm

    Heh. Like that one Joe.

    A drunk staggers out of a bar and lurches down the street until he comes upon the door of a Catholic Church. He shoves them open and goes in. After a few moments getting his bearings, he spots the confessional and crashes through the pews to get inside.
    The priest sees this and decides that this fellow must really need help. So he goes and gets in the other side of the confessional.
    After a few moments of silence, the priest says, “Can I help you my son?”
    The drunk’s voice comes back, “I dunno. Does your side have any toilet paper?”

  • 29. Quester  |  October 12, 2009 at 10:29 pm

    I Stumbled across some Sayings of the Jewish Buddha today, and thought some of you might enjoy them.

  • 30. LeoPardus  |  October 13, 2009 at 10:31 am

    Love ‘em Quester.

  • 31. Quester  |  October 13, 2009 at 11:27 am

    Chrisitianity hardly has the humour market cornered, after all.

  • 32. Joshua  |  October 13, 2009 at 12:43 pm

    “He who sits in the heavens laughs,
    The Lord scoffs at them.
    Then He will speak to them in His anger
    And terrify them in His fury…”

    ROFL! Get ‘em God! Watch ‘em burn… so hilarious! They thought they were so awesome, so proud, but our God beat the living shit out of them. Watch them die!

    I don’t know what you mean, Quester, Christianity is so full of humor!

    I know, I’m diabolical…
    ;)

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Attention Christian Readers

Just in case you were wondering who we are and why we de-converted.

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Whether or not you believe in God, you should live your life with love, kindness, compassion, mercy and tolerance while trying to make the world a better place. If there is no God, you have lost nothing and will have made a positive impact on those around you. If there is a benevolent God reviewing your life, you will be judged on your actions and not just on your ability to blindly believe in creeds- when there is a significant lack of evidence on how to define God or if he/she even exists.

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