You’ve got a bit of an advantage in some ways over me. You have no believing spouse, and your daughter is only 4. So it will be fairly easy for you to redirect her upbringing. And it sounds like you’ve got a good head on your shoulders as far as the kind of person you’d like your daughter to be.

It’s a bit tougher if you, like me and Karen and others, have older kids and a believing spouse to deal with. I’m still trying to work out how to let my kids know. ‘Tis not something I relish doing.

HIS:

It’s good knowing that you and others keep your de-conversion secret from most folks. Gets rid of the ‘lonely’ feeling a bit.

HelsSailing, I really appreciate everything that you write to me and to others on this forum. I wish I had someone like you and others on here to talk to personally about these things…

Oh and I was going through some of the archives and came across the post with you and your wife, “Rosemary”, and I must say it brought tears of much needed hope. At this time, I don’t have a husband, it’s just me and my sweet daughter. But, your post brought to mind the hope of a love that I wish to have some day in marriage. Quite honestly my prospects were narrow because I would only consider marrying someone who shared my beliefs, but now I feel the door is open much wider to love someone beyond the scope of like-minded, religiousity. So thank you and “Rosemary” for posting that.

http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Beyond-Belief-Raising-Religion/dp/0814474268/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1197121365&sr=8-1

I also still attend church (catholic mass), because like you, I love the people and sometimes get intrigued with the mysticism of it all. I also like some of the ministries they get involved in, especially the ones that focus on mentally retarded children. But only my wife and one or two friends know of my unbelief. That is ok by me – I am very content with my life, and at peace with my lack of belief.

Erin, one thing I have learned since leaving Christianity, is that there are LOTS of people, right there in your own church, who secretly do not believe. We are quiet about it, just because it is not a good idea to light a fire around so much gasoline. But please remember, you are not alone.

There is no reason you can’t raise a moral, loving and kind daughter without religious belief. The book gives all kinds of perspectives on how to do that, how to teach your child to be open-minded and respectful, etc. I highly recommend that you get it.

In terms of church, I attended for several years after my serious doubts began. I found that though I tried to continue believing, the services only intensified my questioning. So many of the “absolutes” that I had taken for granted previously began to seem silly or untrue.

I did wean myself out of going to services, but by the end it wasn’t a big sacrifice personally – though it was a conflict between me and my husband who is still a Christian.

Believe me, you’re probably in the worst throes of the problem right now. It DOES get better. If you really enjoy the community and fellowship (boy, I haven’t used that word for a while!) of church, you might consider a more liberal Christian church or the Unitarian church, which doesn’t even expect all attenders to be theists/deists.

It’s not for me, at this time in my life I have no desire to return to church, but I do know a lot of former believers who swear by the UU.

Hang in there, and I hope you continue to use this group as a sounding board.

Leopardus, I agree with you and am already in the process of backing out of my current ministries…but I will have to ween myself from the church as a whole. They truly are some of the best people I have ever known, but (like you) I don’t think I can share in their belief system anymore. I don’t say that to mean that I have an out to start living immorally again…I couldn’t even fathom turning back to my old lifestyle. I’m honestly very thankful to the bilblical teachings of Jesus for that reason.

I know I will be okay. But right now without my “crutch” of religion I feel a bit hopeless. There’s so many questions that are running through my mind that I can even sort through them right now. I am one that loves science and that is where the clash first began, because in so many ways science has disproven God – or at least discounted the need for Him. I’m not completely closing my mind off from there being a possibility of a Creator, and at this point I feel the driving need to discover this for myself. If there is a God I don’t think He can be defined in a book…or by any feeble human mind for that matter.

Thanks gentlemen for your friendliness, I look forward to reading more of what you both, and everyone else has to say….

Erin

Wow does my heart go out to you. You are in a hard place. Glad you found this place though. A lot of us don’t have much of anyone to talk to and it does help a lot.

The Faith has truly been a good thing for you. And I sure do understand your envying the blind faith of others. In a way I’m actually sorry you’re not still “blind”. I’m sure you feel the same.

Right now I still go to church. I don’t teach anything or get into any position of authority or responsibility. When there’s a need for clean up, I jump right in. If the youth need an adult escort or a driver for some activity, I’m there. The people there are wonderful and I do still love the service (Eastern Orthodox, so it’s quite transcendent).

Only my wife knows, though I think the priest may have figured it out. I see no reason to disturb others. Occasionally it’s a bit tricky to know what to say to some questions, but I’m getting pretty good at “politician type” answers.

Given what you came out of “depression, anxiety, alcohol abuse, sex, and all while being a young, single mother” I don’t think there are any really good non-church places for you to get the support you need. So *my personal opinion is* that you should stay there.
-You may want to back out of ministries if you haven’t already.
-If anyone asks, you can say that you need time to work through some issues.
-If they press for details or suggest counseling, you can say that you have counseling and insist that you’d like to keep it very private.

Like you I’ve experienced church as mostly a loving, caring, place. I don’t really want to leave it either. I just can’t share in their belief.

I know this isn’t a counseling site or anything, but I have found great comfort in a lot of the postings and contributor’s writings and I want to thank all of you for it. This is probably one of the loneliest times of my life. Literally all of my friends are devout Christians and since my initial converting I led all of my family to the faith as well. Not even verbally, but they just noticed the positive change in my character and it turned them on to joining the Church. Therefore I really don’t have anyone to talk to about the fear and confusion that I’m going through right now, because they simply wouldn’t understand. They would chalk it up to an attack from “the enemy”, and my mind partly wants to think the same. I’m sort of envying their “blind faith” right now…I’ve cut myself off from everyone, because I can’t fathom telling those I’ve led that I all of a sudden have doubts. If they are happy with their faith then I don’t want to take that away from them.

I’ve read some of “lostgirlfound”s stuff and I can somewhat relate to her, although her situation may be admittedly even more dificult than mine. Being a single mom, I found love and acceptance in the Church as opposed to what some of you may have experienced. This has been my “security blanket”, and right now I feel like a child whose just been stripped of it altogether.

Again thanks HelSailing, I would love to hear more from you if you can, as well as lostgirlfound and Leopardus…from what I’ve read they seem to keep an open-mind as I would like to.

Oh, I understand your plight – at least from what you have written. Coming to grips with the natural world and leaving Christianity was at times very painful and difficult. It is not something I ever asked for, and the fact that I had to drag my wife along for the ride did not make things any better.

I agree that Faith can have many life-changing effects. My dad, who converted to Mormonism about 20 years ago, also quit drugs, drinking, etc, to be a truly happy and content man. As kooky as I find his religion, I will never criticize his faith.

Speaking for myself, I do not contribute to this site to “de-convert” Christians. But I have found that leaving Christianity is a reality in this world. It happens all the time, to people who are generally very quiet about it. We are just here to spew our thoughts because it is sometimes very difficult to do in person with family and friends.

I love many of the teachings of Jesus too. I just don’t think he is divine. And that is not unreasonable or irrational.

Here is an article I wrote back when I was really questioning my faith. You might find it useful:

http://de-conversion.com/2007/06/15/a-confession-i-want-to-believe/