If evolution is true, we are hard-wired sexually in more ways than we can imagine. It would make sense that the majority of pleasure – and the majority of agony – would stem from this.

“You have to keep up, get with it, or be left behind.”

Yeah, it sucks. I can’t decide which is worse: being in a relationship where you are not sexually satisfied or having to work hard to be sexually satisfying. But every animal on the planet deals with this…I’m just glad I’m not certain species of deer and could lose my mating rights for life because of one lost match…

That would suck! Of course, then it would be easy to be celibate!

Ok, so what if Tyler and Amy try anal sex and Amy decides she just doesn’t like that particular activity but she still wants to be with Tyler (married or not married)? Does Tyler then have to decide which is more important to him, anal sex, or Amy’s company? In other words, is that the end of their relationship?

Now let’s put the shoe on the other foot. Amy and Tyler have had a sexual relationship for some time (again, it is irrelevant here whether they are married). Amy finds out she really, really, really likes sex. But here’s the problem: Tyler has ED and can’t or won’t seek help for it. Tyler loves Amy very much and still wants to be with her. But Amy says, no dice. If you can’t satisfy me, there are plenty of guys who can. So long.

Do you see what I am getting at here? Am I the only one who looks at the women’s magazines–Cosmopolitan, Redbook–at the supermarket checkout and is appalled by the messages they send women about frantic, competitive sex? “If you don’t learn this technique, he will leave you for someone else.” You have to keep up, get with it, or be left behind. Well, I am glad that I am not in that rat race. I do not like conditional friendships, whether the condition be religion or sex. James, you and I would definitely not get along, because I could never relax around you. You sound like a guy with an agenda, and I have had my fill of those.

That is not to say that sexual differences aren’t real or are not important, but when sex (like anything else) becomes an IDOL, people get hurt. But I realize my views are definitely in the minority, and that is why I am celibate. And that is a good thing, because I won’t be wasting anybody’s time.

As sort of a corollary to your post, in my fundamentalist church, I was told by all sorts of people that various acts were sinful, such as birth control, oral sex, even non-missionary positions, and even between married people. These same people told me not to believe anything that wasn’t in the Bible. They certainly never gave me any Biblical evidence as to why these various acts were sinful. This helped me to see through their lies and to see that they were pretty much blowing smoke.

wow, thanks for that. Beautifully written and full of interesting points.

I was one of those who got married to someone I’d known far less than 2 years on the wedding day, and because that was the only “legal” route to sex. Misery ensued a la Tyler and Amy although in different ways.

I cannot agree more with your comments about short relationships and the associated pheromones/hormones/whatever. This is something I have both read about and written about a bit on my own blog . I also found very interesting in this context (although not-God-centered at all) this article from Psychology today.

There is so much information out there suggesting that rushing to the alter just to have sex is a bad idea, but it still seems to be the “gold standard” for the Christian youth of today. Personally, I think it’s because they are raised with such a stunted emotional maturity level due to all the indoctrination, that they cannot handle the thought of their partner ever having had intimate relationships with anyone else except God. Yes it’s a bold statement, and perhaps controversial, but I have “been there and done that” and have the divorce decree to prove it!

Maybe you all don’t care, but here it is anyway. Its in reply to this article: http://www.iamnext.com/sexandlove/dsex2.html

Regarding the article on your website by Rusty Wright, specifically the section called “Dynamic Sex: What About Premarital Sex”, I believe Mr. Wright has failed to fully address “The Compatibility Argument”, and also fails to consider at least one more argument. I would like to clarify these two arguments in favor of premarital sex, and if possible, receive a reply that accurately addresses them.

When Mr. Wright states, “The “try-before-you-buy” idea breaks down because the human plumbing system is very flexible and almost always works,” he demonstrates either that he does not fully understand the concept of sexual compatibility, or is simply avoiding answering it. I will allow him the benefit of doubt, and assume he simply is not completely familiar with the reasoning behind this aspect of premarital sex.

To say that the issue of sexual compatibility is one of physical compatibility misses the mark. The penis and vagina are almost always compatible, only in exceptional cases do their physical dimensions create unpleasant sex, or make it impossible. Worrying whether the sex organs are physically compatible is such a minor issue that it is almost asinine to argue against it. But if physical compatibility is such a non-issue, what sort of compatibility is actually important? The answer is somewhat simple: the compatibility of interests.

People undeniably have different interests when it comes to sex, typically referred to as kinks, or fetishes in some circles. Kinks and fetishes come in an infinite number of variations, but all are the same in one aspect: the activities involved in each kink are sexually arousing or stimulating to the people who engage in them. Not everyone engages in the same fetishes, some people find some fetishes boring, unpleasant, or even disgusting. Fetishes and kinks encompass more than just the most extreme variations on sexual intercourse as well. Dressing a certain way, using different orifices (for example the mouth, or anus), sex toys, role playing and location are only a few of the possible sexual interests a person can have.

But because sexual interest is different from person to person, and because some people can be completely disgusted by certain kinks, the best idea is to generally engage in them only with people who enjoy the same variations. Sometimes even relatively “normal” kinks, like dressing in lingerie, can be a turn-off to a partner.

Sex is not the only, or most important, aspect of a relationship, though it is very important for a healthy relationship, and requires trust and communication to work well. In general, the aspects of a relationship that determine its quality, and how long it will last are commitment, intimacy (being good friends with your spouse), and enjoying sex. Without one of these three aspects, a relationship can fall apart; they do all the time.

Marriage is a huge step in a relationship, only really rivaled by divorce and having children. In general, it is considered the ultimate commitment to someone (though we can see how well those commitments actually hold up today). Because marriage is such a huge step, it requires absolute certainty on the strength of the relationship. Marriage should not be used to create commitment, it should be a symbol of the commitment two people already have for each other. Marrying without being certain of a relationship is the quickest road to divorce or unhappiness.

Lets imagine a young man named Tyler. Tyler is a virgin, but he has always really wanted to have anal sex, simply because the concept of it excites him. Maybe he would really enjoy it, maybe not, he doesn’t know, because he’s never engaged in it. Tyler meets a girl named Amy, and they start dating. After awhile, they begin having sex, after becoming comfortable with each other. One night, Tyler brings up anal intercourse. Maybe Amy finds the idea of anal intercourse disgusting, or thoroughly uninteresting. Perhaps Tyler convinces her to give it a try one night, however, and it still turns out the way Amy predicted; they end up quitting, leaving Tyler frustrated, and Amy somewhat put-off. After awhile, the relationship goes a little sour, which is not unrelated to Amy’s disinterest in anal intercourse. Finally, Tyler and Amy break up, and end up dating different people.

Now lets rewind to the day Tyler and Amy met, and change the story a little. This time, both of them are virgins, but both are also dedicated to waiting until after marriage to have sex. Because they never have had sex, and aren’t having, they don’t really talk about it, figuring they’ll simply wait until they start having sex to really worry about it. The wedding night comes, and they finally begin having sex. After a few months, Tyler thinks its alright to suggest anal intercourse to Amy. He does, and the initial reaction is not good. She isn’t particularly interested, and finds it a little disgusting, just like the previous scenario. But just like the alternate reality, Tyler convinces Amy to try anal intercourse. Once again, the result is poor. Amy worries that she isn’t satisfying Tyler, Tyler worries that he’s scaring Amy, but at the same time really wants Amy to be open to anal sex.

Because they’re married, Tyler and Amy begin working out the problems that have cropped up around the anal sex issue. Finally, Tyler suggests trying anal sex again to Amy. Worried about the marriage, she agrees to try again, but once again the end result is less than desirable for both parties. The next time Tyler brings it up, Amy snaps at him, a little angry at his persistence. Tyler is a little angry at Amy for not being willing to try again. He still wishes he could have anal sex with someone, but it is becoming very clear that his wife is not the person to do it with. At this point, several things can happen:

1: Tyler and Amy displace their frustration and anger, arguing more often, until eventually both of them has had enough. As committed to each other as they felt on their wedding day, they both no longer want to be in the marriage, and they finally divorce. At this point, the entire divorce process takes place. If they have children, those children suffer, and Amy and Tyler of course suffer large amounts of stress from the separation.

2: Once again, Tyler and Amy displace their anger, and argue more. This time, their marriage means slightly more than before, and they cannot convince themselves to divorce. Tensions remain high throughout the rest of the marriage, neither party is very happy, and their unhappiness lasts pretty much the rest of their lives.

3: This time, Tyler decides that if he can’t get Amy to have the kind of sex he wants, he’ll go somewhere else for it. Maybe he hires a prostitute, maybe he goes out to bars and meets someone, and begins to have an affair. Eventually, inevitably, Amy finds out about Tyler’s unfaithfulness, and it ruins what was left of their marriage.

None of those outcomes are particularly attractive to me. But what happened to the other Tyler, the one that had premarital sex? Because Tyler and Amy were only dating when they broke up, the aftermath is significantly less painful. If they were responsible and used protection or birth control, they won’t have any children to complicate matters either. Eventually, Tyler dates other girls. Tyler decides to wait each time before having sex with his girlfriends, to make sure they’re relatively compatible. He breaks up with some before they ever have sex, but he does have sex with a few as well. Once again, with proper protection, none of them become pregnant, and no STDs are transmitted. Finally he meets Jill. Jill and Tyler get along great, they have very similar interests, and become very committed to each other. When they finally begin having sex, Jill is open to anal sex, and enjoys it. Their sexual interests are very compatible, and when they get married, sex creates very few if any problems.

Obviously, there are risks involved in having sex. STDs and pregnancy are not uncommon consequences of unprotected sex. Involving more sexual partners also increases those risks, which is why having lots of casual sex with people you don’t know, or people you can’t trust is a bad idea. Waiting to see if you are compatible with someone on all other levels before having sex, as well as using protection or contraceptives will significantly lower, if not eliminate the risks.

Sexual compatibility also includes how much a person wants to have sex, and under what circumstances. Some people do not enjoy sex as much as other people, or do not desire it as much. These people should not be worried about their own sexual preferences, or try to change them, instead, the objective should be to find someone else who has interests that fit with yours. If you don’t want sex very often, your objective should be to find someone who wants sex only as often as you do, not someone who wants it more, or less. Some people’s sexual interest is restricted to sex within a marriage, and they are more than welcome to that interest. But people who do not desire to wait until they are married to have sex should not convince themselves to abstain from it, at the risk of being stuck with someone they have little in common with sexually.

I understand that some people may find the idea of anal intercourse immoral in itself. Here I feel it necessary to point out that nearly any other potential sexual incompatibility can fit into that story. The same events could take place not because Tyler wants anal sex, but because he only wants “quickies”, that simply do not satisfy Amy. Think of something that turns you on personally, and there will be people out there unwilling to do whatever it entails, no matter how morally innocuous it is.

Meanwhile, I believe Mr. Wright has also ignored, or is not familiar with another potential argument in favor of premarital sex. I like to call this argument “The Rushing Argument”.

As a college student, I know a lot of people who are either currently engaged, or who have been engaged to be married but called it off. I even have several friends who actually are married now. The disturbing trend that all of these engagements have, or had in common was the length of “courting time” involved. The vast majority of them involved a courting and engagement time of less than one year. Many of them lasted only six months, in fact. The friends of mine who have called off their engagements have mostly told me the same thing; they found out they were not really in love, and called it off.

As reason go for ending an engagement, I’d say that’s a pretty good one. But when I asked them why they got engaged in the first place, without waiting long enough to see whether they were really in love, some of them gave me a very troubling answer. All of them believed it was morally right to abstain from sex until marriage, but they also really wanted to have sex. Their solution was pretty straightforward; get married so its ok to have sex.

Biologically speaking, a person will become “infatuated” with a person at the beginning of a relationship. This infatuation is almost entirely the result of hormone and pheromone interaction, and it is incredibly easy to mistake for true love. This blast of hormones does not last forever, but typically runs out after anywhere between one month to two and a half years after the two people begin dating, depending on the people’s genes. The end of these hormones does not have to mean the end of a relationship however. Sometimes if two people really are compatible in all aspects, they will continue to feel love for each other (though it is a significantly different feeling from the infatuation that occurs before). If the two people are not compatible, the relationship typically ends, because either the commitment, intimacy (friendship), or passion (sexual compatibility) necessary are not present.

When young people anxious to have sex get married too quickly, they run the risk of getting married before the hormone infatuation has subsided, only to discover after being married that they do not actually have much in common with the person they have married. While impatience is not something we typically want to reward, it is nonetheless a reality of relationships. By allowing oneself to have sex before marriage, you remove the risk that you will get married before finding out if you and your partner are truly compatible on all the necessary levels for a healthy marriage.

I have been dating my girlfriend for over three years now. Biologically speaking, we can be fairly certain that the hormone infatuation period is over. I actually have a hunch that it ended about a year and a half into the relationship. We are, however, both still very committed to each other. When we finally get married, I feel very confident that the marriage will be a sturdy and devoted one. If we have children, they will be raised in a nurturing two-parent home, with little risk of divorce. All because we allowed ourselves to have sex so we did not rush to get married without ensuring we were truly compatible.

Did you ever ask her who A and Z were?

who asked me the night before I got married if I “had any questions.” Crazy.

I’ll never forget what my mom, a fundamentalist who was very uptight about sex, told me crossly when I was preparing to get married:

“Believe me, I’ve experienced sex from A to Z, and it’s not all it’s cracked up to be!”

Gee, thanks Mom!