seek and ye shall find…. but what?
I’ve been reading the comments here lately and I have noticed that a lot of Christian readers say the same things over and over again: “If you REALLY had been a Christian you would have never de-converted.”
Now the details of the statements differ from reader to reader, some saying “if you’d really had faith,” others saying “if you’d really known the love of God,” or “if you’d really read the Bible with an open heart,” “if you really prayed honestly,” or even “if you were a true seeker you would have found the Lord.”
I’ve been struck by another thing recently as well: noticing that many de-converts were formerly in the ministry.
These two things made me think that maybe it’s being TOO dedicated, too devoted, too much a seeker that is the danger.
Here’s what I mean: Maybe we de-converts were more real in our Christianity than the people who can’t believe we eventually rejected “the truth.” We weren’t content with going to church on Sunday and Wednesday, or with going to confession once a week, or with saying our daily prayers and reading the Bible in a year every year — whatever the flavor of true devotion was in our particular version of Christianity.
We wanted more. I know that is true for myself. I wanted to see the power of God, the way it was described in the Bible. I wanted to experience what the apostles experienced on the day of Pentecost. I was hungry for more of God and I read the Bible every day, over and over again in several translations. I worshipped Jesus with all of my heart.
I know whatever I say here won’t convince anyone that I was a “real” Christian, because they can’t fathom that. But I bet that many of you who have also walked away can recognize my sentiment.
I became a worship leader because I wanted to help other people feel the presence of God in their lives and have the experiences of ecstasy that I’d experienced in worship services. I wanted to be a fisher of men. I wanted to fulfill God’s plan for my life. The more I “grew” in my faith, the more I was promoted in the ministry, the more I prayed and read the Bible and worshipped and witnessed, the less real it became to me. The more I obeyed God’s word and followed God’s will for my life, the less rewarding my Christian life was.
I was a true seeker but what I discovered was… nothing.
Watch out seekers. You may not like what you find.