The Intelli gent ly Designed Post

December 21, 2009 at 6:16 pm 14 comments

Warning: heavy fallacious creationist argument techniques used to produce the following satire with an underpinning in logical argument. Recommended served cold with a side of biscuits.

I don’t think intelligent designers realize how unintelligent intelligent design is.

Do they see the natural conclusion of their arguments?

No! But guess what? I do! And since I have an answer they can’t prove with their “faith reasoning”, this – of course – means that I obviously have access to the common sense proof of my argument which, of course, is divinely revealed by my God.

I finally realized that the intelligent design supporters are right. They are. In fact, they are so right that I am going to apply their principles and show where their reasoning leads. If you can’t beat ‘em… join ‘em.

Intelligent Design used to Intelligently Design an Intelligent Designer who intelligently Designed Yahweh

Guess what? I am going to intelligently design a God who intelligently designed a universe where humans could intelligently design gods.

Tada!

You know what this means? My God invented a universe that had the naturalistic potential to bring about humans who could invent gods – including Yahweh. In other words, my God invented Yahweh. This means that my God is greater than Yahweh.

And the best part?

My God is supported by Intelligent Design!

Tada!

It gets even better!

My God is supported by creationist reasoning. Why?

My God was created ex-nihilo (out of nothing). Take that AIG!

Prove my God doesn’t exist. Just do it. You know what? You can’t prove that my God doesn’t exist. You know why? He is self-evident. But because He is so great, He does not care whether you believe in Him or not. He is secure in His deitiness. He does not need you to believe in Him in order for Him to be real.

Yahweh is nothing but a mere petty invention of my God but my God doesn’t care that you believe in Yahweh. You won’t go to hell for believing in the wrong God. You’ll just suffer for all your life to a delusion. That is your punishment for the error of your ways. Your only life – wasted – believing in the wrong God.

The evidence is all around you that my God is true. Just look at all the deities around the world. My God created the universe that had the potential for these deities to be invented by humans. If there are deities, there must be a deitier! There must be someone who created all those deities, right? There must be a deity inventor.

The evidence is conclusive. My God exists and your God – Yahweh – was invented by my God.

Who’s your daddy now?

- Josh

Entry filed under: 809334. Tags: .

Family doesn’t want to discuss religion anymore An Epilogue

14 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Joshua  |  December 21, 2009 at 6:33 pm

    Uh, I recommend you read this slowly. You won’t realize how satirical it is unless you get every nuance.

    The depth of this post and the underlying ideas, of course, means that you could study it for your entire life and never reach the bottom.

    This, of course, means that this post is divinely inspired, evidence of God’s working through the writer to reveal the truth. No merely “human” writer could produce such wisdom.

    What a great God I serve! Why would he choose me… a mere man… to communicate such immense truth?

    It is not I who says this, but the Lord. Let those who are spiritual among you acknowledge that what I say is from the One True God. Those who do not acknowledge this should not be acknowledged. Warn a divisive man once or twice and then have nothing to do with him.

    Am I mad? Not so! God has chosen me… small in speech.. .to communicate His Truth to the nations. God’s Truth looks like madness to humanity, yet it is wisdom to Him.

    Apostle Paul, eat your heart out.

    [Writing this Creeped. Me. Out. Any man who could seriously write the types of things I was just writing is mad. I'm seriously starting to think that the type of mentality that drove the Apostle Paul to write like he did strikes me of serious mental illness. I could not ever imagine writing the things the Apostle Paul did unless I was mentally ill.]

  • 2. Eve's Apple  |  December 21, 2009 at 7:46 pm

    A while ago I came across a great quote by Einstein on Intelligent Design, I wish I could remember exactly what it was but it had to do with the nature of the Designer, in other words, exactly what kind of Designer are we talking about. I can’t remember where I found it, either.

    Anyway I think what Einstein was getting at is that it is not enough to postulate a Designer. And this is where I think the Intelligent Design people are going to get hung up.

    Assuming that there is in fact a Designer, what is this Designer’s character, based on the physical evidence? This is where I wish I could remember Einstein’s words because if I understand it correctly, he was saying that based on the evidence this Designer seemed to be rather irrational at times.
    Now, from what I understand of the Intelligent Design folks, they are mostly Christians who believe the Designer–God–is a God of Love. How is this compatible with Intelligent Design?

    For example, there is a parasite in Africa called the guinea worm. You can read all about it in the book Influencer, but let me just say, only a truly malicious mind could come up with something like that. And the guinea worm is just one of many horrendous parasites. So, how does Intelligent Design account for something like the guinea worm? Frankly, I prefer Darwin’s explanation that this is just something that happens by natural selection and there is no master designer to blame or take credit.

    So if we are going to talk about Intelligent Design, sooner or later we are going to have to talk about the nature and character of this Designer. Does this Designer have good or bad intentions or is it neutral? I don’t see how the question can be avoided. I also do not see how the ID folks can attempt to answer this one without reverting to overtly religious texts, such as the Bible. The very fact that ID is so tied to a particular religious viewpoint makes it suspicious in my opinion. What next, are we going to see the Book of Mormon taught as history, or M. B. Eddy’s Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures taught as health?

  • 3. Scott  |  December 21, 2009 at 8:24 pm

    Uh, Josh.

    I hate to break it to you, but MY GOD created your god.

    Prove me wrong.

    Take that you pious little pip-squeak!

    For some reason the words “ad nauseum” come to mind.

  • 4. paleale  |  December 21, 2009 at 9:03 pm

    You know, the one thing I never hear from IDers is the concession that there could be several designers–a team, if you will–who labored to produce our universe. All I ever hear is ‘designER’, singular. Such bias grosses me out. It’s like there’s a wink and nod between all of them saying “we know who he really is (wink wink)” while they try to pretend they’re being scientific. Disgusting. Especially when I know for an indisputable fact that my Gods created all of yours, oh foolish ones!

  • 5. kerrin  |  December 21, 2009 at 9:25 pm

    Have you read The Evolution of God by Robert Wright? He uses ‘facts on the ground’: evidence from archeological digs, our modern understanding of the human psyche, and such to posit that humans began with a primordial faith as polytheist. He then shows, starting with ancient Israel, how polytheism transitioned to Monolatry; and Monolatry to Monotheism; then the “invention of Christianity.” He shows how social and economic facts on the ground were likely significant influences for Paul’s writing: he was primarily trying to administrate this “newly formed” faith, which gathered in the homes of wealthy merchants.

    Fascinating, well researched, and thought provoking.

  • 6. 4riozs  |  December 21, 2009 at 9:38 pm

    Kerrin-
    Your book sounds much like “A HIstory of God”, it’s by a female author who was a nun and the book is about the three major religions christianity, judaism, and islam- i havent finished it but it talks about polytheism being the primitive religious genre.

    Though I am confused, you say your book says Pauls “religion”
    was for the wealthy merchants- according to Bart Ehrman the first Christians were of a poorer uneducated class? I will check out your book- sounds equally interesting.

  • 7. 4riozs  |  December 21, 2009 at 9:39 pm

    Josh,
    I laughed so hard reading your entry- I’m working and almost laughed in the middle of a sales call. I love it!!! I have thought about “God’s Designer” since I was 5 years old, I used to pray that “God” would tell me who made him so I could also talk to that person- lol.

  • 8. kerrin  |  December 21, 2009 at 9:54 pm

    4riozs,

    Yes, Ehrman is correct in that the majority of early Christians were, purportedly, poorer and uneducated. Robert Wrights’ book tells of the logistics of where these early Christians met and Paul’s attempt to administrate these home meetings. The only places homes large enough to house these early Christians would have been the traveling merchants.

    In the book of Acts “a certain woman named Lydia” would be a case in point. She was a wealthy merchant; purple cloth was an expensive fabric (made with rare dye). Hers was, according to Acts, one of first house churches. Aquila and Priscilla are another example of wealthy a merchants’ home where Paul set up his franchising.

    I’ll check out that book. Thanks.

  • 9. cicely  |  December 21, 2009 at 10:05 pm

    It’s intelligently-designed gods all the way down.
    :D

  • 10. Ubi Dubium  |  December 21, 2009 at 11:28 pm

    Congratulations, you’ve discovered evidence of the true creator god, the Flying Spaghetti Monster! (Pesto be upon him!) His noodliness is usually drunk, not very bright, but really appreciates a good practical joke. That pretty much explains everything in the universe right there, including the propensity for people to invent gods who make no sense. Since all religions are ridiculous anyway, join the Pastafarians! Dress like a Pirate, drink grog, eat noodles, enjoy our flimsy moral values, and then get to go to our heaven, which has a beer volcano and a stripper factory! You can’t prove it isn’t true, so you might as well believe it, right? :)

    May you be Touched by His Noodly Appendage. RAmen.

  • 11. LeoPardus  |  December 22, 2009 at 2:07 pm

    So, how does Intelligent Design account for something like the guinea worm?

    Gosh, that’s easy. We’re in a fallen world. Adam and Eve are from some tree they weren’t supposed to, so now everything’s screwed up.

    This probably also explains why the loving designer (who is perfect BTW) made us so poorly. Prone to multiple breakdowns; lots of inefficient systems; etc.

  • 12. 4riozs  |  December 22, 2009 at 6:16 pm

    I was always told that when “sin” entered the world that everything that is bad also came about, that being thorns, illness, and bugs. I have never seen this in the Bible though. But that is the response you might get regarding “guinea worms”.

    Or maybe the worm was made to bring about “justice”, Christians love to throw that around, “bad things happen to bad people”.

  • 13. Joe  |  December 22, 2009 at 7:57 pm

    paleale–(#4)–

    The Mormons (when you really dig into what they believe) do believe in a “council of gods” from which Jehovah came. So there is one group that does believe in possible multiple designers. In fact, Joshua’s article above sounds a bit like it could have been written by Joseph Smith (Mormonism’s founder). :)

  • 14. Eve's Apple  |  December 23, 2009 at 6:31 pm

    Well, the problem with the “fallen world” answer, is that if I understand correctly, God pretty much had finished creating everything by the sixth day (Genesis 1) or after he created the woman (Genesis 2). So, either all these “nasty things” were in the world BEFORE the Fall (but inactive), or God did some more creating AFTER the fall, and I don’t think the text supports either hypothesis. I mean, isn’t that the heart of the creation/evolution debate?

    In the Roman Catholic tradition in which I was raised, whenever Genesis was discussed it was pretty much assumed that God had stopped creating after he created Adam and Eve. On the other hahd, evolution hasn’t been as much of a battleground in Catholicism as it has been in other churches; the way I understood it is that Catholics are free to make up their own minds about it. So a Catholic answer might be that the initial creation was good but that after the Fall evolution started taking a twisted course, resulting in nasties like the guinea worm. I am just speculating here.

    For a fundie/creationist/ID’er, that answer is not an option. If you use “After the Fall” for an answer then you open yourself wide open to the charge of promoting a particular religion in a public school. And Genesis clearly states that when God finished his creation he said that it was good. All of it. And yet there are things out there that very few people in their right minds would say are good. Look at all the effort spent in eradicating smallpox.

    Frankly, I don’t think the creationist/ID folks have thought it through. If they get their way in teaching Genesis as science they are opening themselves wide up for questions like “what about the guinea worm?” We’ve all heard stories about the smart-aleck kid in Sunday school who asks questions the teacher can’t answer–heck, some of us were that kid ourselves–do the creationist/ID people really want to be exposed to that the rest of the week?

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