Turtleism in the Age of Reason

February 13, 2010 at 7:25 am 9 comments

These are dark days in which the forces of evil have besieged The Lord Turtle Almighty. Aturtleists the world over have risen up against the truth of the turtle upon which the world rides. It is high time for Turtleists to come out of their shells and defend the foundation of our faith.

In years past, our faith in Our Almighty Turtle was dismissed as a blind faith as if the number of Turtleists itself did not prove the existence of the Turtle. However, we are here to assert that our faith is based on real evidence, and it is the Aturtleists who are dependent on faith in science and a misguided logic. I, for one, don’t have enough faith to be an Aturtleist. Allow me to elaborate.

I have personally confronted Aturtleists in many universities across the globe, and have asked them one simple question. “What does the Earth sit on?” Scientists have demonstrated that gravity pulls down. Therefore, we stand firmly on our front porch. Our front porch stands firmly on the cement, the cement on a substrate of clay, the clay on bedrock, and so on. What is the first foundation that supports all that is? Aturtleists have yet to give me a coherent response. However, we Turtleists know this foundation. And we know this foundation personally. It is the wonderfully shelled back of The Lord Turtle Almighty.

Some Aturtleists have actually suggested that there is no foundation needed. How incredibly ignorant! Nowhere in this world will you find anything of substance that does not rest upon something. And that something will be found resting upon another something. Now here is the interesting thing. Scientists have recently told us that this Earth is finite. Logically then, there is a point at which something that is not the Earth is the foundation. This is logical common sense! How can there be no ultimate foundation? The Aturtleists have no answer. But those of us who have a personal relationship with the Lord Turtle Almighty have an answer that daily comforts us since we know that our world does not precariously hang in the air.

Other Aturtleists ignorantly ask, “What is then the foundation of your turtle?” It is true that former Turtleists had, at one time, suggested that there was another turtle supporting the turtle that supported the Earth. And another turtle supporting that one, and so on. We modern Turtleists reject such silly notions. This is called “an infinite regress”. There cannot be turtles all the way down.

For this reason, our particular faith has the doctrine of The Infinite Legs of Turtle Almighty. There is no need for other turtles. Our Almighty Turtle has infinitely long legs. It is this doctrine that makes the Aturtleists arguments looks so silly. The Earth must have a foundation, and we Turtleists have personal knowledge of this foundation. We all have our foundation on the eternal legs of Our Almighty Turtle.

You might hear some Aturtleists respond that the doctrine of Infinite Legs is logically incoherent, an ephemeral plug, and that we just made it all up. But the spirit of the Turtle bears witness with our spirits that all the Almighty Turtle says is true. Aturtleists who have not the spirit of the Turtle cannot discern the things of the Turtle. To them, Eternal Legs seem like foolishness, but for us, it is the foundation that they, in rebellion, deny is necessary. Only those who have submitted to the Turtle are privy to the mind of the Turtle.

It is sad to see that the bulk of the same scientists who have told us that the Earth is finite and that gravity pulls down, actually turn their backs on logic when it comes to the question of the ultimate foundation. But the Almighty Turtle has clearly told us why this is so. This is the work of the invisible evil crow who sets about to turn their minds away from the truth. The crow has many of them suggesting that Earth supports itself. I’ve never seen something support itself, and I don’t have enough faith to believe such silly theories. And I don’t need education to give me the common sense to know there must be a big turtle beneath this world. Would you want to live on an Earth that had no turtle foundation?

So you see, even in these dark days when many former Turtleists have rebelliously abandoned all notions of a foundation for our world, Turtle apologists have provided us with an arsenal full of the powers of both logic and scientific facts that will allow us to fearlessly affirm our Turtleism until the day we all have infinite legs.


-phil stilwell

Entry filed under: Phil Stilwell. Tags: , , , , .

The Non-Answers: God, Satan, and Sin Statement of Faith

9 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Scott  |  February 13, 2010 at 8:37 am

    You are a bad boy!

    Everyone knows that turtlists are idiots. Cobra is the one true reptile!

    So repent and kiss the Cobra lest he be angry with you. After all, the holy book says that if you believe in Cobra, his poisonous venom will not harm you.

  • 2. UNRR  |  February 13, 2010 at 9:29 am

    This post has been linked for the HOT5 Daily 2/13/2010, at The Unreligious Right

  • 3. Ubi Dubium  |  February 13, 2010 at 10:44 am

    No, no NO! You have it all wrong! The Earth does not sit directly on the Turtle, it rests on the backs of the four Holy Elephants who are standing on the back of the Turtle. How can you not be aware of something so obvious? Oh, poor misguided soul that ye have strayed so far from the truth. The Turtle, Great A’Tuin Himself, surely has a firey doom prepared for you!

  • 4. Phil Stilwell  |  February 13, 2010 at 2:19 pm

    You’re a heretic, Ubi.

    Remember that not everyone who says “Turtle, Turtle” will enter the Kingdom of Infinite Legs.

  • 5. Stephen P  |  February 13, 2010 at 4:39 pm

    Very nicely done, Phil.

  • 6. Ubi Dubium  |  February 13, 2010 at 5:40 pm

    Ah, Phil, but what if you’re wrong? What if you get to heaven and you find youself face to face with a Holy Elephant? Hadn’t you better believe in them too just to be safe? I shall call this Pachyderm’s Wager.

    (Phil, thanks for posting this, this is great fun! RAmen!)

  • 7. 4riozs  |  February 15, 2010 at 8:04 pm

    Sounds like someone had alot of time on their hands. Funny though. Whoever wrote it must have been caged in by the east coast snow storm.

  • 8. Jeffrey  |  February 28, 2010 at 6:40 pm

    This is the best parody of apologetics I’ve seen since NonStampCollector’s “The thing that made the thing for which there is no known maker” . Actually, this one might be even better.

    I especially liked:

    “What does the Earth sit on?” Scientists have demonstrated that gravity pulls down. Therefore, we stand firmly on our front porch. Our front porch stands firmly on the cement, the cement on a substrate of clay, the clay on bedrock, and so on. What is the first foundation that supports all that is? Aturtleists have yet to give me a coherent response.”

    That’s a brilliant example even outside the context of satire. Among other things, it shows just how retarded it is to argue for Turtlism by arguing against Aturtlism.

  • 9. Parodatheist  |  May 31, 2010 at 10:21 am

    I spy with my little eye another Discworld fan in Ubi Dubium! This is absolutely hilarious, even though it is heresy against the might of the Invisible Pink Unicorn. RAmen!

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