HiS, mainly thought you might like to read some of my own thoughts. I think things are in a reasonably good spot right now and thus took the opportunity to write about the past/present difficulties as well as some reflections on what I think will preserve our marriage.

Thanks for the comments. My parents have never been believers and it’s actually made our relationship stronger! I see them in an entirely different light now that I realize how non-obvious the answers are! Before I wrote them off much as I’m now being written off or judged by some others. It’s been a wonderful change of view toward them.

My friends, community, wife and in-laws are another story! My in-laws are believers but not really in the extreme devout end of the spectrum. My wife has told her sister and parents about me and they’ve been pretty supportive.

I would agree with you: those who cannot acknowledge me as a rational/good/truth-seeking individual unless I believe in their god.. probably won’t last very long if at all post-deconversion and that may very well be for the best.

Thanks for the comments. I think some friendships have become what you describe already, namely kind of awkward and/or superficial. There’s others I have high hopes of continuing to be in relationship with and I found an atheists meetup group that is filled with very receptive and kind people even in the few times I’ve participated. It’s been quite nice to find some others who are open minded.

But I am also still “in the closet” to my family as they remain dedicated Christians. I don’t see the need to volunteer the painful info to them. But I admit that part of me wants to be up front and fully truthful about it proactively. For now, we’re living in the “don’t ask, don’t tell” zone.

That being said, I would recommend to you that friends that only want to be your friend if you believe as they do, aren’t really your friends to begin with. There’s always pain in change, but it would be for the best.

Fascinating. This brings back plenty of memories from my teenage years in Missouri. Not too many concerns over head-coverings here in Southwestern Texas, but I sure remember the handwringing in my church in Missouri. These regional differences in Christian Faith are pretty interesting to me.

If you are leaving a church community, you will undoubtedly lose friends. I don’t know a nice way to say it.

I have lost all the friends who attended our home Bible Study and Prayer Groups. One if them even came to RoseMary and admitted to her that it was hard to love us when I publicly admitted my doubts. Even a couple of our more pious Catholic freinds have distanced themselves from us. We still see each other, but our conversations seem more.. .. superficial.

But all is not lost. I still have one or two dear friends who are holdovers from my old Christian days, I have kept plenty of friends and acquaintences from work and other interests who know nothing of my religious beliefs and frankly do not care, and I have also made plenty of freinds since leaving the Church.

Let me tell you one thing that I think is important. Like I said, I have two, especially one but I could say two, friends who are holdovers from my old Christian days. We still see each other regularly, and are truly friends. We have sacrificed greatly for them, and they have done the same for us. But the one thing they have in common is that we have ties to each other *outside* of religion or religious beliefs. When we spend time together, 90 % of our time is focused on other interests and concerns and religion is never an issue.

Not that we don’t discuss it on occassion, and I am thankful that religion is not a taboo topic. Just yesterday, I debated with my friend concerning our ‘moral compass’ that she claims is God given and when I question whether such a thing really exists. It was heated, passionate, firm and friendly, and when we were done, we talked about coming to our house next week for a BBQ. It is a wonderful relationship.

But that is the key – we were friends with plenty of other interests besides religion when I left the Faith. And we continue to focus on those other interests. The other people in my Bible Study, in my Church group – we shared no other common interests. The only glue that binded our freindship was religion. When that was gone – they had no desire to spend time with us – and frankly.. yeah I was remorseful, but in the end, I was not exactly missing their company either.

My advice is maintain relationships with friends and relatives with interests and ties other than religion. If religion is the only thing you have between each other, and you let religion go, then prepare to end that relationship on a positive note. Seriously.

As far as marraige, RoseMary and I had to kind of do the same thing. We did not marry each other because of our common religious ground, and we kept our marraige going by focusing on other parts of our lives. Sure we brought religion up, and she knows exactly why I doubt the way I do. But in the end, we had to decide if our marraige was worth the effort to work around the differences. And that was what we did – it was not always easy, but that is pretty much how we did it.

I know – easier said than done. But keep searching, keep asking questions, and keep communicating with your wife, husband, family, freinds. whatever. I truly wish their were more church councelling sessions where this sort of thing was discussed, but there are not, and this sorry blog way of communicating is the best we have got for now. But keep writing here, and writing articles on your blogs so we know you are doing.

Indeed. I’m sad that some friendships will almost surely fizzle, or at least that has been my read. Some I just don’t think can see me the same, though I suppose that’s inevitable. One downside of being a very strong believer and then walking away is that my relationships really were founded on God/Jesus/Faith/Holiness. With that being something I have no interest in anymore… where is our common bond?

That’s one of the hardest parts of marriage as well. My wife and I used to pray together, sing praise and worship, bless and thank God for things, and all that… what about now? She has used the phrase, “This isn’t what I signed up for” and I totally understand. She pictured a life filled with X and I’m saying I don’t want to do X with you anymore. Hard stuff.

I agree about integrity. I realized recently that I can’t be anyone other than myself. I won’t be held emotionally hostage by those who tell me how hard this will be on others, even my wife. I just can’t. If friends and even family can’t be “pro Hendy” then they loved a version of me all along.

This “quest” has taught me the value of seeking to love a person rather than a version of them which you prefer. That’s hard, but to support potential and fullness of life, one must give up preference/comfort for the sake of the flourishing of the other.

I think many people here were very involved in church community.

I was very involved in a small church. We left that one (mostly over headcovering issues) and are now involved in a baptist church. We have been fasting from church services but are still in the small group. Since its been off for the summer I haven’t had to deal with anything yet.

I’m dreading it. I want their friendships but not at the expense of my integrity.

Agreed! It seems very hard to phrase this well… It’s like I want to draw a firm but completely moveable line in the sand, as odd as that sounds. If I become convinced of x in the future given evidence… I want to believe x. I want to follow whatever is discovered to be the case about reality.

Did you deconvert from a tight circle of believers? Perhaps a lot of this stems from my high involvement in a Christian community. As I perhaps stated earlier, I’m in a weekly recurring couple’s group where we sing praise and worship and talk about our relationship with god. Something has to be said at some point to make the break with that…

That’s the kind of line I mean, that’s all. Primarily just so that others know not to ask me to lead praise and worship music anymore, distribute communion, lead retreat small groups… that kind of stuff.

By your comments it seems that perhaps you weren’t quite as connected tangibly like this. Many don’t even know and I’ve not said anything yet simply because if I returned to belief, I didn’t think they would need to know about all of this.

But it’s looking like a 1% chance (or less) that this will happen… so I kind of have to do something to communicate my situation?