“Christian churches in Europe and North America were deeply involved in colonialism and, until the nineteenth century, deeply involved in slavery. When the church is that complicit in a lot of injustice in this world, I think it becomes harder for them to really face the call of the gospel on them for how they behave in this world. It’s very tempting just to focus on the gospel as something out of this world and after this life.” — Brian McClaren

As you guys know, I’m still coming to terms with it all. Since I’m married to a man I love deeply — and he happens to be a pastor — I have a vested interest in coming to terms with an organization I think is corrupt, in most cases, beyond redemption (please note: not all). In addition, as all my close friends remind me frequently, there’s little they can do to help. Most of them have had the opportunity to walk away. Me? Yeah, that would cause a little disturbance at home …

So I read the things McClaren says, and I think, “Wow. Here’s ‘one of them’ saying the same things that echo through my heart. Because, whether you believe in the Divine or not, it seems to make sense to want to help people who need help — the poor, the oppressed, the enslaved, the screwed-over ones. Since most of us fall into one or the other of those categories, I think we have an innate empathy that draws us to do “something.”

I bet, if I took an informal poll of the folks that frequent this site, I’d see people who actually “help” more than many of my “good church people.” Now, don’t misread this: many folks in the church have helped our family time and time and time again. And I deeply appreciate this. But I also know that, for an organization founded by a drifting anarchist who spoke of loving others as ourselves, and spent more time talking about how we are to treat one another than ignoring the world’s problems and preparing for the “great by and by,” organized, westernized, capitalized Christianity has failed greatly. And I think McClaren hit it on the head when he suggested it is the church’s investment in the injustices that benefit them is a big part of the problem.

So, what’s a girl to do? I’ve come to terms with the fact that whatever I do, I’m not going to “change the system.” Using their own terminology, I don’t think “the organized structure” people know as the church is even biblical, so changing it becomes a mute point for me. I try to rest in just “being,” continuing my own journey, helping people where I can, loving unconditionally, etc. But still, my heart wrestles with itself.

I’ve come to trust many people in this blogging community. How have those of you who live in a “world divided” come to terms with things? Do you still struggle — one minute wanting to run, the next wanting to stand on a soapbox and intellectually dismantle those who see themselves as superior to you, the next minute feeling pity on those caught in the system?

I don’t want to be part of the problem … but rather part of the solution that makes life here on earth a little less hellish for whoever I can help.

Looking for your feedback …

- lostgirlfound

This couple were the “senior” (head) pastor and his wife at the church where we spent 10 years working. She was one of those “super Christians” (at least in her mind). However, the reality of it all is she typified all the things I have learned to loath about religious people. She always had “all the answers,” and anything that deviated from her set theology was wrong. She could tell you how to live, while her own life was crumbling unnoticed around her. She pursued “ministry” based on her desire to have acceptance and really could not wrap her mind around love at all.

Saying all this, I’ve learned to pity this woman. Circumstances have moved this couple far away from our lives, but today we attended a funeral of a mutual family member/friend. It was good to see her and her family, but sadly, nothing has changed for her.

That’s the problem with religion. Things stagnate, because that’s the only way they can be controlled. Theologies become calcified, and they become fodder for liturgies. So many Christians talk about “relationship,” but in reality, if they were forced into choosing “pure” relationship — surrounded by things unknown or mystical — or the dogmatic belief in the structure, they would choose the controlled dogma. Because to be honest, that’s what they understand.

I know this is judgmental, and there are exceptions, sure. However, the truth of the matter is organized religion will never be able to accomplish its stated purpose because it is a mechanical, power-driven system that has forgotten its original purpose. And yeah, I’m lumping all “religion” together. But you know what? They tend to make sweeping, judgmental decisions about those of us “on the outside,” so I guess a turnabout is to be expected.

I’m saying all this to say that spending time with this woman of my past again re-focused me on my journey. The reality is I don’t want to be the blind follower of a power-inebriated organization anymore. I’m a true believer in a “relationship” — be it vertical or horizontal (and all my atheist friends smile and sigh at me again! ) . And I’m finding that time is on my side as I move toward discovery, toward knowledge and understanding, and toward being the person I believe God intended me to be.

Happy New Year!

- lostgirlfound

Religion has, with all its issues and shortcomings, become a sort of security blanket in my life. Because I’ve been in “the church” such a long time, religion has in essence stripped me of being able to find comfort in real, authentic relationships. Somehow, manufacturing pseudo-friendships that go only so deep (like a Sunday morning) fill my heart with the warmth and comfort enough to “take me through the whole week,” while anxiously anticipating my next dose. Like a sick love addict, religion panders to my need for someone to love me, but only gives me enough to keep coming back to “the building” for more.

Wow. Since I’ve stepped out of my dependence on “the structure” to fulfill my needs, I’ve actually remembered what true friendships are about. I’ve grown closer to my husband (remember, by the way, he’s a pastor) the further I get “out of the church”. However, I’ve noticed that some people — especially those in leadership — do not like this new-found freedom I’ve experienced. On some levels, I’ve been kind of ostracized. People look at you differently when you’re “clean,” you know? And they would like nothing better than to drag me back into the crack house of organized religion.

For years, “going to church” was something that filled me with anticipation. Then, as I got closer to the leadership, I began to notice that there are not many “pure in heart and motivation” left at the top. They also use the blanket the church provides, not for the comfort, but to cover up their actions that go against what they preach such as giving manufactured comfort to the cold and heart homeless. They send smoke signals and confusing messages so that they do not have to be authentic or accountable. Are there good people there? Sure, but there are good people everywhere, and sad to say, the percentage in the church building isn’t any higher than those outside.

However, even though my old blanket at home is ratty and full of holes, it still brings me comfort. For many years, I would rationalize the church in the same way. Look to the positive! Look at what we’re doing that makes the world a little more right. And to be honest, I still do that sometimes. But only when the structure is doing the right thing — like feeding families over this holiday season.

But my attachment to the religious “blanket” is over. Sure, I still go, and I do have some “true” friends there. However, I think I’ve already thrown the blanket out to the curb, and the real blanket is beckoning me from my dark, cold blanket. “That’s all I got to say about that.”

- lostgirlfound

One of my friends is Paul. He was on staff at a “church,” and was dismissed in the name of financial cutbacks. However, he was really let go because he was pushing the envelope and, like all prophets before him, when you start screwing with the status quo, they look for a way to hand you your head. Paul spent a lot of time trying to come to a middle ground with these individuals, but to no avail. Now, he’s simply trying to find which way is up when it comes to spiritual things.

Paul is also a great writer. I would invite any of you to visit his blog: paulfilan.wordpress.com, and respond if you wish. If you visit today, you’ll find an interesting discussion from some of Paul’s “friends.” Like many of us, he’s come out of the ranks of not only “church attendance” but being a participant and leader for years. He’s raw, and very, very authentic. Which, by the way, is another thing “good church people” really do not like, because it forces them to look at who they are and what they believe in ways that make many of them uncomfortable. They will say it’s the words Paul is speaking that they are responding to, but my heart tells me it’s their own fear of confronting their ignorance.

I’m finding the majority of religious people, especially once they are in some type of leadership, are afraid to question their beliefs (although they are liberal in doing so for others). I understand the concept of “maintaining the power” (although especially in a spiritual context, I don’t agree with it), but it just goes against everything I understand. Call me crazy if you will, but I’m beginning to believe so-called Christianity is the most bi-polar institution around. At least we expect politicians to say one thing and do another!

Being the trusting soul I am, and having had good, early examples, I kind of look to “church” people to actually have some semblance of consistency. I know, I keep coming back to this like an idiot, and I just cannot seem to learn my lesson. And I don’t want to become bitter, either. So I hold my hand close, and hope to God someday someone will prove my observations about all the hypocrisy wrong. However, I’m also a realist enough to know that, like the unwanted stray dog, I will keep getting fed by the compassionate, and kicked by the rest of them.

Anyway, I hate to sound like the broken record, but this is just where I still find myself. Even after an amazing discussion with one of my “atheist” friends yesterday (who insists I’m getting closer all the time to making the “leap of un-faith”), I find I still crave something I believe to be real.

I have found a lot of acceptance and encouragement in this de-conversion community. I can’t thank you guys enough for the things you have taught me, and the kind words you have shared. In my own “blogging” way, I have come to trust your views and opinions, which is why I invite you to “get to know” my friend Paul and the idiots that surround us. Oops … that sounded a little too bitter, didn’t it? Anyway, at the very least, you will see one more reason I say the “structure” is building it’s own mausoleum, and hastening its own demise.

- lostgirlfound

I also posted this on personal blog but knowing many of you are on a similar spiritual journey, I thought I would share it here, too.

Caged Bird (Maya Angelou)

A free bird leaps
on the back of the wind
and floats downstream
till the current ends
and dips his wing
in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks
down his narrow cage
can seldom see through
his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and
his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.

The free bird thinks of another breeze
and the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on the dawn-bright lawn
and he names the sky his own.

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom

To me, organized religion has become little more than a pretty cage. To quote one of my favorite philosophers, Forrest Gump, “That’s all I got to say about that.”

- lostgirlfound

I responded to a friend’s on-going conversation about the truth being revealed in a certain church situation we, on that blog, are all familiar with. One person responded with a comment about the church “finally” finding it’s purpose. At the church, this “purpose” apparently is being spread by a neat little graphic showing up in everything the church does.

Now, in my opinion, purpose is about what we do, not how we graphically represent ourselves. So I questioned the writer, and asked, “Don’t tell me the purpose is the cute little graphic thing we’ve been seeing?” Here’s the response I received:

“Why so cynical all the time? I feel the graphic is their “new found purpose”. I am glad they figured it out. It is time we all got up and love others they way Christ intended it.

Lost girl? Are you trying to help the situation? If you know better, then are you trying to fix it? Where are you in all of this? Where were you the past couple of years during this searching? Nothing will ever get solved here on a blog. I am done.”

Wow. Call me slapped and reprimanded, I guess. Silly me, to question whether an organization could reduce it’s purpose down to a graphic, and expect people to sign up for the vision, regardless of how this “purpose” is reflected in the leadership. And apparently, learning to love like Jesus is wrapped up in this thing, too. Crazy me, I thought maybe those kind of lessons happened when we got off out butts and actually did love … not just talk about it. And I can’t believe all I was missing was a graphic representation to help me. (OK, maybe I do tend to be a bit cynical …)

Where was I during the “searching”? I’ve been searching myself, thank you very much. I’ve been weeding through a lot of religious “stuff” and trying to see who God might really be and trying to live a life that would show people I believed what I said. What a concept. Not re-writing my prejudiced, pre-conceived beliefs, but actually looking for truth regardless of what other people around me thought.

I’m a person who’s been “on the inside” for a long, long time. Somehow, it should be easier for me, but it’s not. And it’s damn near impossible for someone on a true search for God to find him anywhere near organized religion — in my opinion. He’s there, but he’s in individuals, not organizations. He’s in nature, not neutralized buildings. He’s waited to be discovered on many different levels and many different plains, not just one that is summed up by a vinyl graphic hanging in a hallway.

Yeah, I’m a little pissed. But I’ll get over it, and continue to blog and appreciate people with different opinions and questions that push me “further up and further in.” Including the amazing people here, wrestling with questions that may never have answers. But that’s OK. Because I feel like things are accomplished here in cyberspace.

I just feel sorry for those so chained to their closed minds they can’t even hear anyone else outside the doors anymore.

- lostgirlfound

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But how can an organization that claims to follow the God that owns “the cattle on a thousand hills” ever claim financial problems as a reason for letting go someone that two years ago would move “the structure” forward in the ways of God … or the ways of God as perceived by the leadership?

The truth of the matter is that this guy was pushing for integrity in the leadership. He was asking tough questions, and after a while, started to infringe on what the current leadership was “comfortable” with dealing with. Under fear and self-preservation (because you know, people who question rock the boat and might get the people around them a little wet), I believe the “powers that be” came up with a convenient way of dealing with their “problem.”

So those of us “on the outside,” who appreciated the stuff this guy was championing, are reeling again. But see, we “at the church” are use to living with this kind of bullshit. People come and go in this profession as the hierarchy determines who will best meet their current needs. People are fodder, to make the machine go. And while we dress it up all nicely, each time something like this happens, it proves to me that “the structure” really isn’t very interested in the God they say they serve at all.

Now, all my friend who are atheists reading this are smiling, saying, “Yep. We’re right about God and the church and all things spiritual.” And sad to say, you are dead-on about the structure commonly known as “the church”. But I want to put a disclaimer in here: We as humans have barely a clue as to what God intended for us here. That is an on-going journey of discovery … something very personal and meant to be reflected in the way we live our lives, treat those in need, share our possessions, etc. I can’t imagine living life without being a spiritual person. Personally, I will not let anything wrapped in the stupidity of man raise doubts in me about God.

However, here’s how I see “organized” religion (an oxymoron if I’ve ever heard one!) The structure took a few vague feelings, some well-written stories, sprinkled a healthy dose of control and power over it all, tossed it in a bowl called money, and said, “Ta-da! Here’s the church.” And for years, good people have blindly given themselves over to it. Some, with the hopes of doing good for their fellow man. Hoping somehow this institution would do what it said. Silly us.

Some have given themselves over because that’s all they know. Or looking for relief from this thing we call life. Or because that’s what their family did. Or … a million other reasons. But somewhere along the line, many give up their God-given ability to think for themselves.

My Christian friends out there are saying, “Oh, poor dear. She’s reacting to the hurt caused by this situation to her friend and his family and she’s just venting angrily.” No, you’re wrong. See, I’ve seen this scenario way too many times for it just to be a personal, knee-jerk reaction. Yeah, there’s hurt. But think about your own lives; your own situations. Isn’t it time we stop talking and begin doing something? I know there are exceptions — I see it right here, in the structure I am chained to. But overall, you gotta admit that most things that happen in “church” are self-propagating, and about maintaining the way things are done. Because if we convince ourselves long enough that “we” are right and “they” are wrong, if we yell it loud enough and long enough, we have a vested interest in making sure “they” damn well become convinced, too.

This thing that happened yesterday really isn’t a surprise for me. But it definitely has driven a wedge deeper into my heart and the “thing” called church. I begged my husband (who is a part of this organization) to show me I was wrong. To give me hope.

I’m still waiting.

- lostgirlfound

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Or at least that’s the way it use to be. Since I’ve been “coming out” of organized religion, I find I have to be very careful who I talk to about what. It’s kind of like “reverse judgment.” For many years, I was judged on the “bad” things I did or said. Now, I’m judged on the “good” things I say or do, simply because it disagrees with the “established system.” Go figure.

Anyway, after a couple of days, this friend finally asked (very loving and not judgmental- just in an earnest way), “What has brought about this ‘hating’ of the church?”

She stopped me in my tracks because I guess I never viewed it as a hatred of the church. Quite the contrary, it’s my respect of this institution and the people I love there that has kept me from totally walking out. However, I guess it “looks” like all I do is condemn and criticize the problems I see. If one is still “in the Matrix,” it is tough to see it as anything else.

For years, I lived a life of half-truth. I pretended to be something I wasn’t just to keep up the image that had been programmed into my head since I was about sixteen. It was easy, I found, because the majority of people surrounding me were playing the same game. Don’t get me wrong, are earnest people who truly believe the things the structure (i.e. organized religion) sells. However, I was always bothered by some of the trappings- if you know what I mean?

My friend and I talked a lot of about “unconditional love.” I have found that this state of being is really too much of a stretch for most of us. We all have our unconditional zone, and anyone who falls into this zone receives unconditional love. But truth be told, most people’s “unconditional zone” is very small — regardless of what they say.

We talked a lot about forgiveness — using our interpretations of the life of Jesus as an example. But at the end of the day, I think I have encountered more gossip and resentment than true forgiveness. Not always, but it happens — regardless of what they say.

Over the years, we have also been involved in conversations ad nauseum about what things we could do to “change our world.” Whether grandiose or small, we would discuss and plan and discuss it some more. Then, when the execution took place (if it ever did) it was usually less than we planned. However, we would pretend the result was OK, it was “God’s will,” even if it was because of our poor planning or lack of commitment … and we’d say it was a success — regardless of what we had originally said.

After thinking about all of this (and so much more I won’t bore you with), I told my friend what my problem is. I have been a part of an institution that says a lot of stuff, but, at the end of the day, most of its efforts are not any different than that of “the world,” – the very place they say they are so different from. All I want is for our words to somewhat resemble our actions. For us to stop pretending and start actually being bold enough to put ourselves on the block for what we believe. I try to consistently live my life so that my words at least live in the same neighborhood as my actions. Me, being weak and flawed as I am. I expect the same from an organization that claims God as it’s source. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

Many people in the church accuse the culture of all sorts of things such as: believing lies; pandering to selfishness; using distractions of drugs, sex and rock and roll to keep them from “the truth.” After being on both sides, I can say that in or out of the structure, much of “the song remains the same.”

When I dropped my friend off, I saw something that was funny to me. We were sitting at McDonalds, and a big white van pulls up. Out of the back, an Amish family emerged. Now, if you know anything about the Amish, they shun any “modern” things in order to keep their lives simple. They believe the “modern world” will take them from the things of God. But here they were, having hired someone else to drive them (because they can’t drive gas powered vehicles) coming to eat at what some would argue is the poster child for modern, self-indulgent life. And it was somehow OK because they didn’t drive. They didn’t make the food on modern stoves, and they didn’t pay the electric bill for the lights and television they enjoyed while at McDonalds …

Sadly, in my head, it gave me the picture of my “problem” with the structure of the church.

– lostgirlfound

Lately, I’ve been thinking about my spiritual journey. See, I’m one of the masses in this generation who have kind of “woken up” to the fact that organized religion, in many ways, has done God a great disservice. Still, because of my relational connections and the needs of my family, I cannot totally walk out of “church” (a.k.a. organized religion) and never look back.

So I live in flux. I stand on the edge of westernized religion, and “see” how it has often been perverted and used for personal gain. Like so many other movements, something that I believe started out pure quickly became a tool for control and influence. A friend of mine recently commented to me that “they took Jesus, raped him, and then used his broken body to their own ends.” Strong language, but pretty accurate.

I know that faith is faith — something we believe and cannot really prove. So, at its essence, it is personal and intimate. In my opinion, faith is meant to be lived and shared only with those with whom you already have relationship. I once thought those “afraid” to talk about their faith were denying God. I no longer feel this way. I think they are understanding of others and attempt to keep their faith pure.

I do struggle with my friends who are afraid to question anything. When questions concerning the “foundations” of the faith come up, many run the other way intellectually or emotionally. Or, they resort to the, “it’s been good enough for generations, it’s good enough for me.” This is a similar argument many used for slavery, subjection of women, and the horrors of child abuse. Another escape is the ol’ “don’t ask; don’t tell” policy. Present yourself the more righteous — based on those around you — and if you have “things” (issues; habits, whatever), just keep them quiet. Being an honest person by nature, I struggle with that, too. (Duh!).

So today, after another morning drenched in “the structure,” I walked away full of questions and frustrations. My intellect never broached, my emotions dulled, I felt critical and yet I wasn’t critisizing. I was simply asking questions. I really just wondered what the hell it was all about.

I got on my motorcycle, and rode, talking to God the entire time. Unlike a lot of my friends, I have no problem finding God in lots of other places. “Everything is spiritual” has become kind of a catch phrase for me. I wonder how long I could stay in the place I am — an outsider on the inside — knowing how to “play the game” but feeling like a religious “whore” when I don’t speak what I know.

On the edge. Guess I should make myself comfortable, because I think I’m going to be here a while.

- lostgirlfound