One example of twentieth century Christian martyrs is the missionary Jim Elliot and his four co-workers Ed McCully, Roger Youderian, Pete Fleming, and Nate Saint. There were two recent movies made telling their story: End of the Spear and the documentary Beyond the Gates of Splendor. In 1956, these five men felt called to share the gospel with the Auca Indians of Ecuador, a violent indigenous people group who had never had friendly contact with the outside world. After a promising brief encounter including an airplane ride for one of the Waodoni (Auca) nicknamed George, they made plans to actually visit the tribe. During their journey they were ambushed and speared to death by ten Waodoni (Auca) men.

The thing that is astounding to me about this story is the reaction of their families. Two years later the wife and sister of two of the murdered missionaries, Elisabeth Elliot and Rachel Saint, went to live with and minister to the same people who had killed the ones they loved. Even now, the son of one of the missionaries killed, along with his family, live with the tribe. His children now call one of the elders of the tribe “grandfather,” even though he is the same one who killed their real grandfather.

Reflecting on these stories got me thinking. What would I die for? Or to what or for whom would I sacrifice my life? What about you?

And secondly, is this kind of forgiveness possible outside of divine intervention?

He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose. – Jim Elliot

- rfogue (Rachel)

Some of you struggled with leaving your faith, others of you left easily. Some of you were happy as Christians, some of you were miserable. The Bible, for most, is not authoritative in any way, but instead full of contradictions and fantastic stories. Most of you have nothing against Christians, you just think that many of them are misguided. No one seemed to have a problem with Jesus (I can only think of one post where that was an exception). The hypocrisy of the church turns some of you off, the feeling of being lied to for others.

Some of you felt deserted by God and some of you just awakened from an untruth you thought you had been told, similar to finding out that Santa Claus wasn’t real. In some way you couldn’t reconcile conflicting parts of your faith so you decided that maybe the reason was that God wasn’t there to begin with. One of the most heart-wrenching statements I read was that you prayed for God to help your unbelief and He didn’t answer. Some of you feel like the foundation of your former faith only stood on the slippery slope of personal experience and not on fact.

Am I hearing you correctly? I hope I am. Please let me know if I missed something. Recently, there was an interesting treatise posted on re-converting in which using experience with God as evidence of His existence is seen as perhaps lowering the amount of evidence needed for faith. Maybe, maybe not. So here’s another question for you: What do you think it means to experience God, if He exists? Why is personal experience or personal testimony not enough?

Christianity is built on the foundation of eyewitnesses, of personal testimony. Yes, there are foundational beliefs that are non-negotiable, but the Bible is the story of humanity’s experiences with God. The Gospels are eyewitness accounts of the apostles three years with Jesus, Acts is an eyewitness account of the birth of the church, etc. It is impossible to separate experiencing God from faith in Him. Now I am not talking about an emotional experience. Emotions are far from trustworthy and are in themselves very deceptive.

Here’s my definition of what I mean by experiencing God: a type of life-altering daily process in which you are changed drastically from thinking, feeling, and being one way to thinking, feeling, and being radically another way. Like Darth Vader in Star Wars except reversed.

Here’s where I am going: what means the most to me and what gives me certainty of God’s existence is the experience I’ve had with Him. I really can look back at my life and see God’s work in it, even during His silence. (Delusion you say? I don’t think so.) Some of you had to have at one point seen God’s work or been drawn to respond to His invitation of a relationship with Him. Or maybe you thought you had a relationship with Him only to find that you never heard Him, He never answered your prayers, He never seemed present. I’ve been there. I thought I knew God only to find out that I didn’t really at all.

I have one more question for you to ponder. Why did you decide to follow Christ (to become a Christian) in the first place? I only did at first because a childhood friend did and I didn’t want to be left out. I lived that way for a long time. I went to church because my family did; I was involved in youth trips because my friends were. But then I had what I like to call a crisis of belief. I looked at myself for what I really was. I said I was a “new” creation but I was still the same old me. I had never changed; I didn’t sense God’s presence, I never heard Him speak, I never saw Him answer any of my prayers. And I asked why, just like many of you did. That’s when I realized I didn’t really know God at all. I knew about Him; I knew what people claimed He said in the Bible; I knew what people claimed He had done in their lives, but I didn’t KNOW Him.

You see what I have come to understand is that no one can prove or disprove the existence of God. If we could, none of us would still be writing about it. Neither side will ever convince the other. But for me, the evidence of God is found in changed lives, because that is where He does His greatest work. I am a completely different person from the one I started out to be. Does that mean I don’t struggle with doubts, that I don’t worry, that sometimes I don’t ask “God, where are you?” No, not at all. Does doubting in some way indicate that I am not convinced of the authority of the Bible or have never had an undeniable experience with God? No. I can look at a plane and doubt that it is going to get me to my destination even if the facts say that it is safer to fly than to drive. Doubting doesn’t negate that I haven’t experienced flying and getting to my destination safely. I can look around me and see God at work in people’s lives whether they want Him to be or not. I have seen God change people I didn’t think it was possible to change. That to me is a modern day miracle.

Does God still do the kinds of miracles we find in the Bible? Absolutely. Why don’t we see them? I don’t know, but if we could see them do you think that would really change your mind? (I’m really asking, would it?) Or do you think we would still find a way to explain them away and hold on to what we think now? (I’m only asking because if you were to disprove God’s existence I would still hold on to what I think ) Why does God allow suffering? I don’t know that either; but I have experienced His peace in the middle of it and have been comforted.

I say all of this because I think I’m beginning to understand some of your struggles, even if I can’t completely identify with them. God doesn’t seem fair; you feel like He has deserted you and now you wonder if He was even there to begin with. You feel like you have been told a lie or been manipulated to believe in a fairy tale. So my answer to you is this: keep searching. Because I believe God is faithful to His promises and that those who seek Him with all of their hearts will find Him.

Thanks for reading.

- rfogue (Rachel)

Just as converting is a thoughtful, careful decision, de-converting seems to be the same type of process, and I am just trying to understand it.

1. What usually starts the painful process of de-converting? How does one suddenly believe so strongly one way and then reject that belief the next? (Not to imply that it is a decision that one would ever take lightly or not struggle with for some time)
2. Do de-cons often continue to attend a church? If so, why?
3. Are de-cons open to returning to the faith or is that impossible?
4. What is it that turns you off about Christianity the most? The Bible? Christians themselves? Jesus?
5. What made you the most miserable as a Christian?
6. What do you really currently think about Christians?

I think that’s at least a start for me to get the picture. I have read most of the blogs from the archives but I also wanted to hear from you. I don’t want to assume anything. I realize de-converting can’t really be understood fully unless you’ve de-converted, but I would like to try to understand. Thanks!

- rfogue (Rachel)