de-conversion

“You’re Just Angry at God!”

De-converts from fundamentalist and evangelical Christianity get used to hearing a lot of things from our former fellows, especially with regards to the reasons for our apostasy. One of the more common and familiar charges made is that we rejected (and continue to reject) Christianity because we are “angry at God”. I think there are some important issues involved in this discussion, so I would like to address them in more detail.

Unfortunately our answers to this charge, while of course as varied as the people writing them, are often unsatisfactory, I suggest. They usually seem to cluster around the theme that one cannot be angry at that in which one does not believe. The standard formulation is something like: “I’m angry at the Christian God in the same way that you are angry at Zeus.” As a reply this is entirely understandable, because what the Christian is charging is, in effect, that the nonbeliever has been irrational in his belief-decisions, letting his emotions guide him where he ought to have known better. Nonetheless, in the end I think this response from the de-convert is not a good one. Here, I want to tell you why, and what I think is a better one.

This “Zeus reply” implies, in a nutshell, that it is irrational, and therefore somehow impossible, to be angry at a non-existent being. The main problem with this reply, I suggest, is that it shares too many unspoken (but false) assumptions with the Christian…

Continue Reading 25 comments January 30, 2008

Discovering meaning after de-conversion

I’ve enjoyed reading through the comments on Karen’s recent post “Are de-converts doomed to live in the pit of existentialist despair?” I do appreciate everyone’s thoughts on this topic.

Discovering the meaning of life was my biggest, baddest bugaboo upon de-conversion. Life seemed drained of color without God. It was more than just no longer having a sweeping trans-historical drama in which to play a part. It was, for me, that the universe no longer seemed like a home. It was no longer warm and friendly. Instead, it was harsh, alien, bare, and empty. Working through meaning was my biggest challenge.

Here’s how it went for me. Christianity teaches, in essence, that all the sorrows of life are destined to end. All the “existential givens” such as loneliness and isolation, the responsibility to create one’s own life, the thirst for larger meaning and purpose, even death itself — all these problems are solved, for the Christian. C.S. Lewis quite explicitly teaches that all you have ever desired is destined for ultimate satisfaction in heaven. You will not die. You will not be alone. Your responsibility is only to obey. Your meaning is given to you.

Losing God for me was like that moment in all of our lives when we realize, really realize, that our parents are not really larger than life…

Continue Reading 49 comments January 16, 2008

Who, really, is a Christian?

Anyone who has struggled through leaving Christianity cannot help but be aware that those still in the faith often have trouble categorizing us. Regarding their belief system as overwhelmingly desirable and, moreover, obviously true, they seem compelled to try to explain this anomaly that we represent, apostasy. And we all know the answers: generally, either we weren’t really Christians in the first place or, the minority view, that it is somehow impossible to de-convert (”once saved always saved”), so we’re still Christians despite ourselves.

Or, sometimes we see them declare that we never really understood Christianity – again, obviously, because if we had, we wouldn’t have left! No amount of elegant theological exposition on our part will convince them that we really did, in fact, understand it – and freely, knowingly reject it – because there are an endless number of hairs that can be split to prove we got this or that wrong.

So I, like most former Christians, have had to think a lot about this issue. Who, really, is a Christian? Was I really one? How do I respond to this criticism? After some study, and some thought, I will here suggest an answer…

Continue Reading 40 comments December 31, 2007

Coming Home for Christmas (after de-conversion)

Christmas is always a bit hard for me.

When I was young, and nestled in a deeply religious fundamentalist family, Christmas was wonderful. It was both deeply personal, and at the same time it was the grand final chapter of a cosmic drama. It wasn’t about gifts and confections, though of course as a kid I looked forward to those. For me, the “magic” in Christmas was that it a day that celebrated belonging. Most immediately, it was the ultimate Family Day, when families came together, and love and acceptance and belonging could be most enjoyed and most taken for granted. But in my experience (as a rather emotionally sensitive kid) it was even more: nature and even time itself became cozy and warm, and seemed to close in about us, rejoicing, as the coming of Christ into the world demonstrated our worth in the eyes of God. Christmas reminded us that the universe was made for us and we belong here. Christmas was nothing less than the reconciliation of heaven and earth, when belonging at home, in the family, merely echoed our belonging in the created world. It was beautiful; it was theology in motion. I have never, ever in my life felt as at home as I used to, on Christmas day.

Needless to say, it isn’t like this for me anymore…

Continue Reading 19 comments December 19, 2007