Posts tagged ‘humor’
Hold onto your pants, boys and girls, the following sick and humorous story is true…
A couple months ago, an elder at my family church was reprimanded and kicked out for having an “improper hermeneutic”. Apparently he was beginning to question the doctrine of Lordship salvation as he saw that it was being used by the church as an element of control. Basically Lordship salvation holds that a person is not actually saved unless they make Jesus their Lord. This means that a church can, at their discretion, determine whether a member is “making Christ their Lord” based upon the members assessed behavior. Ultimately, this elder was concerned the church was becoming extremely legalistic and un-Christlike in their love towards those attending. Basically, they were using doctrine to be assholes.
Now, step back a few months before. This elder was sitting in an elders meeting in which nearly every elder, except for the pastor, admitted they did not know what “hermeneutics” was. My father is the elder who explicitly said this. They immediately all agreed that they needed to study hermeneutics.
So imagine this elder’s surprise when he is told that he is in a form of rebellion against the church and was being kicked out for having an improper hermeneutic. Obviously, the pastor had a strongarm in this decision. To make a long story short, he was basically told to write his resignation letter or else he would be dismissed that Sunday. He was not allowed to defend himself, his position, or get a clear answer as to what he had done wrong. The most obvious conclusion given the circumstances was that he was the most educated elder besides the pastor and the pastor was beginning to be jealous of the amount of influence he had. The kicked out elder was becoming interested in allowing my brother’s fiance to lead a Bible study and the pastor was basically like “we don’t know who this girl is or what she will teach…”
Let me just tell you the truth. You can deny it, you can invent any naturalistic explanations you want, but this is the truth. If you reject this message, it proves that you are deluded and blinding yourself from the truth because you do not want to submit to the truth and instead are just enjoying the delusion of your religion.
The universe is governed by a collection of supernatural alien races. These races control worlds, ours included.
As experiments and mind control of their creatures, these aliens invent and toy with religious ideas upon their creatures. They make ’supernatural’ appearances (angels, ghosts, etc.) to scare the creatures into religious ways of thinking that help them organize and keep them from advancing too quickly. They have often been confused with the gods of old and the Nephilim and other experiments they have performed.
Islam, Christianity, Mormonism… all angelic appearances and prophecies, etc. are all mind control techniques by these aliens. Even Jesus was a product of one of their plans to control the human population…
There are always some great discussions going on here and I love them. But just for fun, how about a short break purely for laughs? Y’all contribute your favorites. Make the theme of your contributions religious; Christian, atheist, New Age, whatever, just religious.
Here’s my contribution:
How To Get Rid of Door-To-Door Missionaries
- A chalk outline of a human body on the sidewalk, and a few copies of The Watchtower scattered around.
- My mother (a second-generation atheist) used to say (in a very sweet voice): “I’m sorry, I don’t give a damn about Jesus.” Worked every time. The missionaries just backed off the porch in slack-jawed, bug-eyed disbelief.
- A friend claims that when missionaries knock on her door, her first response is to ask for their address. When they ask why she wants to know, she says it is so she can visit them to push her beliefs. So far, none of them have given their address. It also marks the end of the interview. SLAM!…